Clintniferous...

The Lost Decade

2010-05-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

I realize my postings have been lacking as of late. The thing is life has been going pretty good and since I use this blog as a sounding board for my rants and raves, I just haven't had anything to write about. That is until today. I was checking my email this morning blissfully unaware that life was about to give me a righteous backhand straight to the money maker. What on earth could be so humbling you may ask? A simple email from my high school reunion committee. SON OF A ?&%@! Are you serious? Has it really been 10 years? Indeed it has. It felt like somebody froze my big toe and then hit it with a sledge hammer. Now I haven't been living in denial (in this particular instance). I knew this was on the horizon but until an official notice was served, it seemed like some sort of mythical event that was never really going to materialize like a unicorn bar mitzvah or getting married. Something that just couldn't happen in this particular space-time continuum. I was one of a handful of graduates seemingly lost to that new fangled intraweb because I refuse to participate in the Big Brother of our generation, Facebook. Don't get me started on Facebook because I have some real issues with the whole social networking sites but that is a different rant for a different day. So I clicked on the link to see what this magical reunion had in store for me. I was whisked away to a jungle of bios on how the Class of 2000 was living their lives. I think I've made myself abundantly clear in the past on my stance towards the mindless drones that try to convince their peers that they've got the world by the tail. So I crawled through a handful of postings only to develop a combination of depression, anger, and apathy that manifested itself in the form of a nervous tick that has taken me a the last few hours to kick. So now I'm seemingly adrift in a haze of unbelief and self-pity trying to figure out how I ended up here and what I've got to show for the last decade besides three marginally successful houseplants and a pretty complete movie collection. Life can be such a cruel mistress sometimes.

On a side note: There was little chance I was going no matter when the date but the fact that the reunion is Aug 20-21 right in the middle of harvest, just solidified my plans to be a no show. Plus everybody already knows I'm too cool for school.

Its Marriage Not Nuclear Physics

2010-03-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

For some odd reason the planets have aligned in the last month or so to really push the marriage agenda. I got my mail last week and found the April issue of the Ensign. I was thumbing through it only to discover half of the issue was devoted to marriage. And not the usual topics like maintaining a strong marriage but advice on how to actually get married. It was filled with first hand accounts and advice from recently married couples. GIVE ME A BREAK. The last thing I need is lovey dovey couples who are still floating on a cloud made of toasters, reception mints, and an over inflated image of their own awesomeness, to give me marriage tips. They come across as a modern day Mother Teresa reaching down into the gutters of society to provide much needed rays of enlightenment to the disgruntled masses and burdens of society. They actually had the audacity to explain the process that goes into getting married.

I am supremely confident in my next opinion. There isn't a single active Mormon over the age of 23 that doesn't know how to get married. The process isn't that complex. I mean we've all seen some of these people that are dabbling in the matrimonial arts and no disrespect to their genetics but some of these people should not reproduce but here they are, lucky in love. Some of the comments in the articles were so condescending I nearly pulled a hamstring throwing the magazine in disgust. Granted I took the short bus to school but getting married isn't like creating a particle accelerator in Geneva. Here is my breakdown: Two people cross paths. They discover that they don't completely annoy one another so they start a relationship on that. They meet each other's families and seem to handle the inappropriate jokes and that creepy uncle/brother with minimal issues. A few months go by and they are still relatively unrepulsed by the each other so they decide they might as well get married for the tax break and to get society off their backs. End of story. I'm sure love is sprinkled in there somewhere but with the divorce rate as high as it is, sometimes I wonder.

Don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I'm not against the institution of marriage. Marriage and families are the building blocks of society and the decline of said institution is proportionately related to the downfall of decency in the world. I fully support my church authorities and the commandment to get married. I am, however, against know-it-all tools who feel it their foreordained mission to spoon feed me step-by-step instructions on how to join the rest of the blissful idiots with their heads in the clouds. The reason I'm not married has nothing to do with not knowing the intricacies of courtship. Could it possibly be because the most "suitable" (I also don't believe there is a one and only but that is a whole other topic) option has not presented itself? People, I beg you, pull your heads out of your self righteous orifices and join society as a contributing member rather than a self-aggrandizing busy body.

Just Another Self Esteem Boost

2010-03-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well I guess it wasn't meant to be. I lost in the first round of the brawl. Honestly I'm really glad I didn't win because I don't think I could write a blog a week all year long. I really didn't have much of a chance. How am I supposed to compete with a girl writing about dresses? I do think it's a sad commentary on the mormon culture. They relate more to a 20 year old buying bridesmaid dresses than at 27 year old writing about the complexities and intricacies of life. I think that is one of the reasons why its so hard being older and single. People still place a stigma next to you wondering why you didn't buy bridesmaid dresses ten years ago. But that is just one of the joys of being a menace to society. Thanks for all the support but apparently most of you haven't been paying your tithing otherwise I think it may have come out differently.

On a side note this is a reason why I would never have won anyway:
Is it just me or does anybody else have an issue with the Osmonds? I have a real hard time dealing with the fact that Pres. Monson spoke at the funeral of Marie Osmond's son. He had been in and out of rehab and committed suicide in LA. I realize everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt but the fact that the Prophet spoke at a funeral of somebody that really had nothing to do with the church other than being part of a famous family gives the impression that you can lead whatever life you want and as long as you have connections, your life will be celebrated as an example of righteous living. I understand that I'm a cynic and generally a bad person so I'm probably on an island with this one but writing on a blog is cheaper that hiring a therapist.

Blogger Brawl

2010-03-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a little encouragement from my cousin Lisa, I entered the Mormon Times 20 Something blogger contest. I have been selected as one of 32 bloggers to go head to head until a winner is selected by the readers. The main focus of the blog is being single and dating as an older mormon. So my first battle is March 10 on Mormon Times so if you are so inclined you can check me out there and vote if you are so moved. I'll probably be disqualified at some point for preaching false doctrine and leading good members astray but until then, anything goes.

http://www.mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/guest_blog/?id=13193

Dealbreaker

2010-01-25T09:13:00.000-08:00

It's incredible to see how fast time goes. January is almost over and I've yet to post a good rant in the new year. My babies are growing into such quite the luscious specimens thanks in large part to my gentle yet firm form of parenting (my babies are my two house plants). I've already got growers planting spring wheat so unfortunately it looks like winter in the 509 has vanished. I've had an adventure or two but one in particular really sticks out. If you watch the show 30 Rock you are familiar the the term Dealbreaker. For example, "ladies, if your man is 35 and still wears a name tag to work, that's a dealbreaker." I've developed some dealbreakers of my own recently. I've decided as part of the new year to broaden my horizons on the dating frontier. What a terrible mistake! I was set up with a girl a couple of weeks ago and it was hands down the worst dating experience I've ever had. This leads me to my first Dealbreaker. "If a girl hasn't seen Dumb and Dumber, regardless if she liked it or not, that's a dealbreaker." Honestly, how is it possible that a person between the ages of 10 and 40 has never seen the cinematic treasure Dumb and Dumber? I should have given her cab fare then and there and bid her adieu. The second dealbreaker "if a girl moves across the country to be closer to a guy she has met once, only to live in his parents basement for an entire year while he is dating somebody else, that's a dealbreaker." I don't think any further explanation is required. The third dealbreaker "if a girls claims to be runner up to Miss Washington even though she can't remember the year it happened, that's a dealbreaker." Yeah I googled it and no dice. The final dealbreaker of this brief date "if a girl claims to make 90 dollars an hour at a baby apparel store she doesn't own and has no discernible job title, thats a dealbreaker." A few other questionable qualities: she is also planning on camping out to see some Nicholas Sparks movie, her favorite band is Nickleback (for you old timers out there Nickleback is a Canadian band whose lead singer is a horse), and she claims to have owned 4 houses (she is 24). The amazing thing is all these things happened over dinner. It was an epic evening to say the least. The whole thing has really shaken my resolve to "broaden" my horizons. I'm feeling pretty comfortable with the view I've got right here.

To top it all off, I found out yesterday that she told my friend that she has me wrapped around her finger. That's news to me. I'm starting to get nervous that one day I'm going to come home to find a severed head on my doorstep.

Take Your Comedy Routine Outside

2009-12-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I stumbled on a pet peeve of mine that rivals shortening the name (which happened at church a few weeks back and my testimony was pretty shaken). I was at FHE last night for the first time in a month or so. I've been kind of busy but in reality I just didn't feel like attending. It was a gingerbread house making extravaganza so I figured I would put my architectural skills to use. I was sitting around the table with some friends just shooting the breeze when the elder's quorum president wandered by. You may remember said president from an earlier post. Anyway he sits down and interrupts our conversation. Out of the blue he makes a dramatic face of shock and wants my friends to introduce him to the visitor he has never met. He obviously was referring to me since it had been a while since I attended FHE. He proceeded to ramble on about how he had never seen me at FHE and how I must be sick or lost. I was about three seconds away from shoving a pretzel stick up his left nostril. Did he really think he was the king of comedy and that I would double over in a fit of laughter because of his well timed and equally hilarious observation of my attendance record? I was a tad irritated because after that he just stood up and walked off like he was Don Quixote or Don Juan (he thinks he is a smooth criminal when it comes to the ladies). I just sat there for a little bit almost in awe of the absurdity of what had taken place. I realize to most of you it seems petty and trivial but its just another thing to add to my already grossly overloaded list of things that annoy me.

By the way I made a lovely gingerbread outhouse complete with pretzel stick siding and a peach ring in the shape of a moon over the door.

Worst Decision Of My Life

2009-11-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

So I woke up this morning to endless possiblities. A Saturday off with nothing pressing to do. I hadn't been to Costco in a long time since the closest one is an hour away. Being the bachelor that I am, I only had one scoop of laundry soap left and was down to the last roll of toilet paper. So I decided to venture out. I chose to go west because that Costco is close to a ski shop and I needed some ski wax. I told a friend of mine that I was going and she advised me heavily against it. I guess its been so long since I've been to Costco, I've forgotten about what a zoo sample day is. I could barely find a shopping cart let alone a parking space. I finally got inside and of course I got "that" cart. Stupid wheel had so much hair and nasty jammed in it, it would jam up and I'm left bulldozing a squeeker around the bagels. I almost got into fistacuffs with a "rural" gentleman over a block of delicious Tilamook pepper jack cheese. Plus this Costco did the soap in the opposite corner of the store so I have to shove my way through traffic with a loaded cart that won't roll on all four wheels just to get some Cascade and Tide. Then I decide to use the self checkout lines to save time. Everything is going great until go to pay and realize that they don't take VISA. What's that all about? They'll take American Express but not VISA. Really? Fortunately they accepted my debit card and after twenty minutes of trying to worm my way through a bunch of obese middle-aged men and their slices of pizza, I made my way to freedom. Exhausting. Plus everybody kept giving me the stink eye because I was passing them in the aisles like I was in the Indy 500. I guess some people just like to relish the atmosphere that only a bargain club warehouse can provide. The day was saved by a trip to Wendy's and a no. 6 combo with a Dr. Pepper.

Hello My Name Is...

2009-11-12T12:14:00.001-08:00

A shocking revelation has recently been brought to my attention. It is the personal introduction followed my church calling IE "Hi my name is Chet Chippewa; elder's quorum pianist." These people exist. One particular example can be found in the glorious Moses Lake singles ward. The elder's quorum president. Every person he introduces himself to he follows it up with is status on the religious hierarchical ladder. Can you imagine if everybody did this. "Hi I'm Steve Gravy, and I have webbed feet." "Hi I'm Molly Juniperberry and I'm a convicted felon." I suppose it would make life easier. I'm not sure what is more sad, the person doing the introducing or the person being impressed by such magical feats. Apparently it must do something because the dude has had like 4 girlfriends in the last 3 months so who am I to judge. But I make an impassioned plea to society as a whole; Unless ordered by a judge or your probation officer, spare us the grandiose title. Nobody cares. Not even your grandma (seriously she called me and we had a whole conversation about it).

Land Of The Lost

2009-11-07T12:33:00.000-08:00

I enjoy grocery shopping. I should say I USED to enjoy grocery shopping. I suppose my love for it stems from my childhood when I would go with my mom to Albetson's and on occasion she would let us kids open the wheat thins and eat them while we were shopping. Recently however, my joy has been tainted by the very thing I used to love. I loved the environment. Each aisle was a new adventure. One side of the store was the jungle of produce while the other side was a industrial setting of meat and seafood. A surprise awaited around every corner. Now those surprises usually consist of an overweight gentleman scratching himself in front of the frozen pizzas. I'm sure all of you have experience Wal-Mart fever. No matter when you go, there seems to be an overcrowding of characters that can best be described as former carnival ride workers. Where do these people come from and why are they all congregating at Wal-Mart. I suppose I don't do myself any favors by always shopping on Saturday but these people appear at all hours of the day. Today I was deciding on which brand of peanut butter best represented my extreme attitude toward life, when I witnessed something rarer than a unicorn's bar mitzvah. There was an EXTREMELY overweight lady on a store provided motorized scooter. Well I'm not sure if she broke it, the battery went dead, or the entire machine just couldn't take its miserable existence anymore, but there she was in the middle of the aisle yelling across the store at what I can only assume was her husband for help. I guess her husband was too eager to get to the libations aisle and left her in the dust. I would have offered help, but she wouldn't stop muttering long enough for me to get a word in. It was just another example of the litany of surprises that can only be afforded at Wal-Mart. When will I learn my lesson and start shopping somewhere else? Probably never because I feel so much better at the state of my affairs after a brief hiatus into the land that dignity forgot.

Follow My Lead

2009-10-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much to rant about lately but something recently has gotten under my skin. This will probably be pretty foreign to those of you who have names that can't be shortened but for those of us with names that are easily changed, there is a major epidemic out there. I always introduce myself as Clinton. For my entire life I've referred to myself as Clinton. My parents have always called me Clinton. My siblings have always called me Clinton. So why is it that the second after I introduce myself to someone new, they immediately ask if I go by Clint? If I went by Clint, don't you think I would introduce myself as Clint? Are those last two letters that big of a tongue twister? At least those people ask. Some people just automatically start calling me Clint. I mean if somebody introduced herself to me as Victoria, I would start referring to them as Vicky or Tori. Maybe Ictor but I would at least ask. Usually being called Clint isn't that bad but there are certain people out there that when they say Clint, it sounds super trashy and redneck. I don't know if it is their accent or my general feelings of disdain toward them for changing my name, but sometimes it just comes out wrong. I think the whole name thing could be an underlying reason for growing the beard. People think twice about sabotaging a person's name if that person has a beard. Probably because a beard makes people think you are smarter than you really are (at least that's the case with me).

It just doesn't make sense. If you feel like changing my name, whey not switch it up to something extreme like Bojangles, Vanilla Mischief, or Kevin? I'll bet Eastwood never had to deal with this.

Beard Busy

2009-10-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

As you have noticed, I've been MIA for a while. Well that is due to the fact that all my energies have been devoted to facial hair establishment and maintenance. As you can see, it is coming along quite nicely. That glorious jungle on my face is about 4 weeks worth of complete devotion. Actually, I started the beard at the beginning of buckwheat harvest and I can't shave it until we are all finished. We've got about 600 acres left but it rains here every three days so I could end up looking like ZZ Top by the time its all said and done.

And yes ladies, I am single.

The Littlest Con Artist

2009-09-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I was on my way home from work when my cell phone rang. Now my most called numbers have distinctive rings so I know who it is before I look (mainly so I can prepare myself for the boss's call). The ring that penetrated my ears was the sound of a pinball machine going crazy. It could only be one number "The Hurricane." As many of you might know, I refer to my brother's family as The Hurricane. I love getting calls from them because usually the kids want to tell me about something that happened to them. This particular day I was completely unprepared for the conversation. My brother was on the other line and told me my niece, The Bam, had a question for me. Being naive, I thought it was going to be something about how awesome I think I am. The Bam says hello and immediately dives into her question. I can hear my brother in the background coaching her on. The conversation went something like this "Uncle Clinty, my school is having a walk-a-thon and I'm going to walk (whispering in the background How far Dad?) I'm going to walk a mile and a half. Will you sponsor me? Grandma already gave me (whispering again How much Dad?) Grandma already gave me 25 dollars." Brilliant. There is no way I could refuse that offer and no way I could give less than Grandma. I replied,"Okay Bam, what if I give you another 25 dollars?" She said,"That is okay but I need it really soon! (whispering in the background But Dad I don't want to talk to him anymore)" My brother gets on,"Well I guess she's done." What a sucker I am. The check was in the mail that very day. She played my like a fiddle. My only question is, isn't a mile and a half a pretty good distance for a kindergartner? Plus isn't the school starting a little young getting the kids out pedaling sunshine and rainbows? Well I'm a proud donor to The Bam's Hillcrest Elementary Walk-a -Thon. I just hope in the future she doesn't call up asking for my right leg, because sure enough two days later you will see me hobbling around with a 2X4 duct taped to my leg muttering to myself, "Why on earth does a first grader need my leg for show and tell."

Things My Mom Taught Me

2009-09-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

I've decided to follow up my last post with the co-most influential person in my life my Mom. Whenever I did something usually my parents fought over who "had" to claim me: the Bakers or the Bowens. Both genetic lines are pretty full "short bus" DNA so I think its a toss up. My brother looks like a Bowen and both my sisters look like Bakers but I'm some genetic mutant with no specific look from one particular side. So I guess what I'm saying is both my parents are to blame for this outcome.

The majority of things my mom taught me can be summed up in a quote she often said before I left the house with my friends, "Don't embarrass me!" She knew I wouldn't get into real trouble but there was a high chance that she would hear on Sunday from somebody that they saw me Friday night putting a teacher's kid's bikes on the roof or sleeping on top of the high school auditorium. True on both accounts. My mother taught me patience. I didn't learn it but she taught it constantly. She always told me patience was a virtue, so I always claimed to be unvirtuous. She had the patience of a saint. From putting up with me trying to stick 50 grapes in my mouth at the dinner table or watching me fake vomit over the sight of lamb stroganoff. My mom taught be the quickest route to the hospital. She chauffeured me for a broken nose (church ball), gashed leg (Cadillac in the snake river), gashed head (trampoline under clothes line, WWF with dad), and even a broken ear drum (a Q Tip with a vendetta). She even put up with me doing a header into the filing cabinet at the doctor's office while there for my brother. My mom usually doesn't do well with blood, but when it comes to her kids (especially me), she is Hercules. My mom always taught me to eat my vegetables. Once again I didn't learn but she was quite the teacher. I remember one time I wouldn't eat my green beans so she said I couldn't leave the table until I did so I decided to play chicken. An hour later, I choked down cold green beans because she called my bluff. I think that is where I get my stubbornness.

I don't know if most homes are like this, but if Dad got mad, we could handle that. If Mom got mad, your life was about to suffer drastic consequences. But my mom is definitely the glue that held us all together and often times kept us stuck to the wall after "doing something embarrassing."

Things My Dad Taught Me

2009-09-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

We all have things our dads taught us that we don't realize or appreciate until years later (unless you are one of the Menendez brothers). The other day I caught myself doing something that I specifically learned from my dad not directly but in a subconscious way. I needed to clean my shower, so what better way to do that than when I'm actually in the shower. You aren't worried about getting wet so you can really focus on the job. My dad does this all the time. He will get in the shower and instantly yell for the Tilex so we would jump to because that meant we wouldn't have to clean it later. Between him and my mom I've inherited a real ocd complex about cleaning things. Once I realized why I was cleaning the shower in the shower, I started to think about other things I learned from my dad not in lessons but in everyday situations. For example, during the summer the pothole crew would patch every mile in the county. They would usually stop at the church in the shade for lunch (our church is a mile from the house out in the country). If my dad saw them resting there, he would stop at Farmer's Corner on the way back from a parts run and buy a bunch of Pepsi. When he pulled up to the crew, and handed out the icy libations, the crew would tear up (well maybe not tear up but they enjoyed it). After a few of these exchanges, I asked my dad the rational behind it. He told me to observe the miles around the house and shop. Sure enough, we had the best patched roads in the county. I think my dad is some kind of genius (don't tell him I said that). He did the same thing for us and the hired help. Two or three afternoons a week, we could count on some cold beverages showing up. After throwing it back, we had a sense of obligation to really put our nose to the grindstone. Diabolical thinking. My dad always tried to work along side us and the hired help doing the crappy jobs to show that the job needed to be done and he wasn't above the fray. It worked, Now I always try to put some time in doing the butt jobs to show everybody we are all on the same level (not technically but emotionally?). Seriously my dad might be some kind of Freudian Master Jedi. I'm sure my dad isn't proud of this but he taught all of us kids how to swear. Just ask my littlest sister about days in the beet field. My dad wasn't a huge swearer and rarely swears in his old age but he taught us very important combinations of swear words and everyday objects that really opened my mind to all the glorious possibilities. This lesson can also be attributed to any of the old timers in the neighborhood since I've heard swear words over the pulpit.
I'm sure there are thousands of other little things that I don't remember or fully appreciate yet ie.. if you aren't going to do a job right don't do it at all. This never made sense to me because not doing the job at all never seemed to be an option. It sure would have saved me a lot of time and energy. But I digress. My dad has the patience of a saint once you realize he is the local employment agency when it comes to 12-17 year old white kids from the ward. But I suppose if he wasn't institutionalized trying to raise me and my siblings (mainly me), the man can probably handle anything.

Grateful for the Sabbath Day of Sabbathness

2009-08-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finished up a ten day straight 150 hour harvest stretch (the math averages out to 15 hours a day) that included two Sundays. Often times when people say they don't even know what day it is, I think they are lying but I had a severe case of that very thing. I attribute it to one thing, the lack of a Sabbath. Now I don't care if you are religious or not. I don't care what church you go to or how often. All I know, is in my life that seventh day works wonders. Maybe not because of what I learn or who I see, but the feeling that there is something different about the day. It helps reset the calendar. Most farmers in the Moses Lake area don't work on Sundays, but I've been a few hours north near the Paloose where Sunday is just another day for farmers to work. I'm not judging them or saying they are bad for wanting to work on Sunday, but it makes life such drudgery to have nothing to look forward to at the end/start of the week. I remember growing up one or maybe two Sundays when the neighborhood had to harvest beets to help a neighbor out before the winter set in but even then, you could feel that Sunday was different. I would imagine after enough Sundays in a row without church be it due to work or play that the feeling would go away, I never thought as a kid I would appreciate Sundays and church as much as I do now. So go out and try church. Rumor has it they keep Nilla Waffers in the nursery closet.

As a side note: Go check out the Bowen Clan's blog. Little Kami G started school and I must say she looks pretty scholarly and stylish.

The Face Of Freedom

2009-07-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

About ten days ago I came home to a package on my doorstep. I hadn't ordered anything, so naturally I assumed the box contained anthrax especially when I saw the return address was from Idaho. I carefully opened the box and gasped at its contents. Nothing on the face of the earth could shock me more than this.

After I treated my ulcer and changed my pants, I decided this is actually a blessing. How else could I get this much "face time" with the leader of the free world. So I set about with a make over.

With a few days of "hair raising" discussion, ideas began to "sprout"

Finally we both agreed I was right and the "grass" really was "greener" on my side of the fence.

A special thanks goes out to my sister for the oddest, most spectacular birthday present I've ever received.

Technically my birthday isn't until Aug 3. Then I will wait for my AARP card to arrive in the mail.

Alumni Pride

2009-07-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

I work with a guy who is a huge Washington Huskies fan. I gave him so much grief when BYU landed the top quarterback in the country over UW. He is always hassling me asking me what Rexburg was like because he knows it drives me crazy when people who went to BYU Idaho try to pass it off as if they went to the Real BYU. Now if you're the kind of person that is easily offended or takes it personally when somebody disses your school, especially BYU-I, you should stop reading now and go toast an English muffin.
Recently an anonymous cohort of mine and I were making a list of why people go to BYU-I. We came up with some real gems. I'm going to keep this person anonymous so if you are offended you can blame me but if you like it you can credit my co-author. Here is what we came up with:

BYU-I
Because Provo wouldn't let you in.
BYU-I
Because the community college doesn't have a Family/Human Development major
BYU-I
Because cosmetology school was full
BYU-I
Because Californian parents think it's a Mormon reform school
BYU-I
Because you need something to fill the time between Xango juice sales conventions
BYU-I
Because birds with big hair flock together
BYU-I
Because the Prophet says even the academically challenged need to get married
BYU-I
Because high school doesn't have a 13th grade

Here are a few that don't pertain to BYU-I:

Door-to-door summer sales
Because you couldn't return the engagement ring
The JSB auditorium
Because day care isn't free
Utah State
Because rebel Mormons aren't that rebellious
BYU Democrats
Because your dad wouldn't pay your tuition

And finally:

BYU
Because the mission president wouldn't let you extend any longer.
BYU
Because you think people are dying to hear about you being a Zone Leader
BYU
Because no other place has married housing called "The Rabbit Hutch"
BYU
Because 1984 will always be relevant
BYU
Because there is no downside to dating your home teacher
BYU
Because braided belts and socks with Birkenstocks will never go out of style

Remember I'm an equal opportunity offender

Domino Effect

2009-07-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

People in general are sheep. That is why fashion magazines sell so well. The public will see something that another person has and immediately covet it. While Mormons aren't necessarily followers with Vogue or GQ, we have our own "golden idol" to yearn for. It is like Indiana Jones in the temple of doom when he switches a bag of sand for the gold. Mormons, especially young men, try to trick women into marriage with what is essentially a bag of sand. The pandemic sweeping many a singles ward this time of year is the dreaded "engagement". Once one person proposes, the dominos begin to fall and within a couple of weeks there are 5 or 6 more couples that have committed to walk that Green Mile. They are sheep I tell you. All they see is the lovey dovey hugging and kissing that is going on and will do anything to have that. In most cases the proposal comes mere weeks after meeting the girl. PEOPLE SLOW YOUR ROLL!
Engagements are just like Indiana Jones. Once you have the gold, a massive boulder falls out of the ceiling and nearly crushes you to death. Then after escaping the creepy ancient ruin, you have to out run the native tribes and their poisonous arrows only to leap onto a puddle jumper narrowly missing a fall from a cliff to your death. In the "engagement" scenario, the crushing boulder or angry natives can take various forms. From crazy in-laws, to sitting down figuring out which color pattern goes better: dusty rose and peach or fuscia and periwinkle blue. Whatever it may be, the odds of you "dying" are staggering. Once a person gets married, they are never the same and not in the good way that the bishop is always trying to sell. All single friends denounce you. It is nothing personal. It is actually required by law. The Founding Fathers wrote it into the Constitution saying "...all single people are required to severe their relationships with married couples within a fortnight of said union." Pretty harsh but old Ben Franklin knew that interaction between married and single people would only cause chaos because once the bliss has worn off, married people try to drag more single people into the quicksand that is matrimony so they won't have to suffer in silence.
So remember all you citizens of the Single Nation: not all that glitters is gold. As my mother always said, "just because your friends jump off a cliff that doesn't mean you should" Actually my mother always told me before I left the house, "Don't embarrass me!" I'm sorry Mom. I tried but something in my DNA compels me to act like a mouth breathing miscreant.

For those of you who struggle with sarcasm, this is a perfect example. It is purely satirical. I only wrote it because I have yet to convince a female to accepting my bag of gravel.

A Public Service

2009-06-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

As many of my devoted readers are aware of, my post usually deal with something that annoys me. Today is no different. While there are many things out there that bug me like guys that wear skinny jeans. Seriously their shoes look like water skis with those things on plus blood circulation has to be severely restricted. But that isn't what has been bugging me lately. I would like to bring attention to the horrible practice of the chapel PDA. You all know what I'm talking about. It has hit epidemic status ever since Generation X has been unleashed on the world. I want to discuss a different types of the not so sacred, sacrament meeting display. The first is the "elderly." This type is the only one I give a thumbs up to. Basically because it is so rare and the old timers are probably only doing it to keep their pacemakers ticking. The second type is "pushed to the brink." You only see this with married couples that have more than two kids on their bench. It is usually a result of a long hot day at church where if they don't get some help, one or more of those kids is going to get thrown out of the mini van on the way home. I give this a pass the majority of the time and the only reason I don't allow this 100% is because of that one creepy couple in every ward that has been married for over ten years but still acts like a newlywed couple still on their honeymoon. That is a pretty traumatic site for a young impressionable lad or lass that has to sit behind them for an hour. The next few types are were I really get disgusted. The "newlywed" is a perfect example. We get it, you are in love and just got married. I don't need to see Peter Priesthood whisper sweet nothings into Molly Mormon's ear only to have Molly rub Peter's back so provocatively that it probably wouldn't even be allowed on cable TV. This is 99 percent of the time off limits. The only reason I don't go full on against if because there is always that weird couple that you have to watch because you don't think they could be any more disgusting but every Sunday they have a way of stepping up their game. A close relative of the "newlywed" is the "newly engaged." While similar to the "newlywed" the "newly engaged" varies because they aren't yet legal. The comment most often associated with this one is "save some for the honeymoon." Always a 100% no-no. Now we get into my area of expertise. The single's ward shenanigans. The most common is the "dater." This couple usually forgets that the date ended on Saturday night and they feel it necessary to continue the PDA into the sabbath. This can be super uncomfortable especially when they sit in the middle of the long benches surrounded by strangers rather than isolate themselves on the short pews. I have a real hard time with this one because they are so blatantly trying to show everyone else how awesome they are. This goes without saying 110% no. The next type has really burst onto the scene in the last few year. Its called the "girl power." For some reason, girls feel the need to provide moral support to their Friends in the form of excessive groping and rubbing. I was this yesterday where one girl playing with the other's hair and then spent the next 20 minutes giving her a shiatsu massage. Now I can't fully explain the reasoning behind it but I think it is some form of protest against the "dater." They are trying to prove that they are much better off without the weaker sex but 9 times out of 10, given the chance, Molly would leap over the bench to get with Peter. All if can do is give a confused shrug of the shoulders and have the finger in the negative. The final type is by far the most troubling. It is the kissing cousin of the "girl power." I call it the "bro." Identical in every way save one to the "girl power", the "bro" substitutes a little bromance into the equation. Guys should never be rubbing other guys' backs. Period. I don't even like discussing this form of debauchery. What can I say? NEVER. So please use this as a template and lets try to keep our hands to ourselves. Church is for filling our spiritual canteen or if you are like me and your canteen is already overflowing its for catching up dreams and visions. The sabbath day is not a way to demonstrate your PDA.

Plus it makes all of us lone rangers look like the hermits and old maids that we are so desperately trying to deny that we are. The Spanish have a saying "no comeis pan en frente de los pobres." Translation: Don't eat bread in front of the poor."

That Special Time Of Year

2009-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

There is a magical time of year that only occurs in the most remote of location: single wards. The season known as running with the newbies has begun. The first Sunday after high school graduation the lemmings descend into the valley of "responsible adults." Yesterday the chapel sounded like a high school cafeteria the day before the prom. All those youngsters were able to sit wherever they wanted and it was comparable to letting prisoners on death row select their last meal. Absolutely brutal. I couldn't figure out why this year I was more annoyed than usual then I started doing the math. The year I graduated high school, all of those new kids on the block were enrolled in the third grade. When I got home from my mission those cool cats were in the sixth grade. When I graduated BYU these juveniles were freshmen in high school. That is an equation that equal depression. Even if I wanted to date one of these gems I could never feel comfortable dating somebody that my littlest sister babysat. I would ask for your pity but I've got more than enough created by my own ego.

RIP Handy Manny

2009-06-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Ever since my sister moved in with me, we've been compared to famous duos. Batman and Robin, Peanut butter and Jelly, Shrimp and Slushies. At one time we wanted Mandi's friend to move in with us so I could be John Ritter in our own version of Three's Company. Maybe I could be Scott Baio in Charles in Charge. One of my sister's students said she looked like Handy Manny so I guess that makes me Dora the Explorer which is weird on every level. I even though to doing my own Charlie's Angels but I couldn't decide if I wanted to be Charlie or Bosley so I scraped the idea. But the most fitting comparison was that of Matthew and Marilla from Anne Of Green Gables with me being Marilla because my sister is far kinder and would buy fantastic ball gowns for little orphans. We had plans to adopt a little red head and name him or her Butters and live our lives until one of us died. Well that dream has been dashed. My sister left the 509 eating her dust today. She moved back to the land of milk and honey to regroup before becoming a cosmonaut and living on the space station. I'm going to miss her because she is the only person I know that can sit through an entire TV show without punching me in the face for my extraordinarily detailed comments. I think it is because she is more advanced than most people and can appreciate and understand the finer points that I contribute to television broadcasts in the form of commentary and sweet dance moves. So let this be a lesson to all of you. If you think you have what it takes to become part of a truly iconic partnership, be prepared to have it fall out from underneath you faster than Britain's Got Talent contestant, Susan Boyle's rise to fame.

Plus she was a mad chef and never tried to sneak vegetables in my food like my sly mother.

The Single Life? Yes Please

2009-05-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

I was able to make a trek down to the promised land this last weekend for Memorial Day. The whole family was gathered to celebrate a milestone birthday and have the annual dutch oven cookout. In order for the story to make more sense, I need to preface it. Recently I freed up a lot of time and emotion by parting ways with my significant other. No need for tears but the process was pretty brutal. I digress. Since than, I've been pondering life and what I want out of it. I suppose all people in similar situations go through the same thing. Did I do the right thing? Where is my life heading? Now what? Amidst theses perilous struggles; enter the Hurricane. The Hurricane consists of three parts: niece, nephew, nephew. The incredible thing about this Hurricane is I have yet to see it weaken. Let me explain. As a family we all went out to eat in Twin Falls for a birthday. This required the use of two vehicles. I somehow ended up in the vehicle with Thing 1 and Thing 2 also known as me nephews. Words can't describe the journey. All I know is sainthood should be granted to those who resist the urge to strap their children to the roof for trips over 5 minutes. My youngest nephew is usually calm but his animal instincts kicked in as soon as that door shut. I think he could smell my fear. He morphed into this raging beast. Imagine PETA gathering at their annual convention only to find out it is being held at Outback Steakhouse. Now multiply that by Pi. I was grabbing everything I could find to stick in his mouth. Being covered in dirt didn't exclude anything. During dinner, my other nephew somehow managed to lick my tongue while his mouth was still full of bow-tie pasta. The evening could best be described as traumatic. After the Hurricane blew through and went home, I was pondering single life. I realized that instead on feeling anxious, I felt giddy because I knew that a new day would dawn and that day didn't have a single dirty diaper in it. You can't see me through cyber-space but know that I'm smiling from ear to ear.

I do love my niece and nephews. They were the highlight of my trip. I love playing with them and getting them all riled up especially because I know I don't have to take them home. Plus they will do anything for two quarters.

Called Into Action

2009-04-23T10:20:00.001-07:00

I've been absent from the blogging scene for a while and I know it has been difficult for all my loyalists, but something has really crawled under my skin the last few days. Last weekend at the Miss USA pageant (which is a huge joke to begin with), Miss California, Carrie Prejean had the title locked up. She was leading the competition going into the final round of interviews. A random question was pulled for her to answer. The question she was given was submitted by one of the judges a one Perez Hilton. Not the same as the dumb blond, this is the snarkiest, most mean spirited bloggers on earth. This guy happens to be gay, which I'm personally not a supporter of but he has his rights, but he is extremely flamboyant and aggressive about his lifestyle. The question he submitted was “Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?” There is absolutely no way a person can answer that question without repercussions. This young lady is a student at a christian college in San Diego and her exact response was"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised." On the spot, in the heat of the moment, nobody could have done a finer job. She was articulate and I think very respectful. Well Hilton didn't see it that way and gave here a 0 for her score. She ended up losing by just a few points all because she had a belief and stuck to her guns

Now comes the storm. Every idiot in Hollywood is ripping her to shreds because of what she said. Can you imagine if the tables were turned and a conservative judge gave a 0 to contestant with the opposite opinion. But like most liberals, free speech is only important when people agree with what you say. The incredible thing is she is representative of the majority. Take a look how Prop 8 turned out. But the minority is calling her a radical ignorant christian. Isn't the definition of ignorance not listening to or supporting a persons right to say something that opposes another person's opinion. Lately, the vocal minority, with backing from Hollywood, has tried to influence policy so they can look like the saviors of the disenfranchised. The only problem is, most of America doesn't support their radical viewpoints but when we try to speak out, we are labeled as backwater, uneducated rednecks that pray at the altar of Coca Cola and call dinosaurs Jesus horses.

I am amazed that people can still amaze me. Every time I turn on the news, there is another story of a lawsuit by some hippie liberal that feels the need to punish Joe the plumber for having a job that disposes of waste rather than composting it. I'm so proud that even though Miss Prejean knew her answer would be received like Chuck Norris at the DNC, she proudly stood up for not only her beliefs, but for the majority of Americans that love this country and the freedoms that are so often taken for granted.

Its Finally March

2009-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

For those of you who aren't familiar with my love of sports, March if my favorite month of the year. This means madness is finally at hand. The Bowen cousins somehow have all ended up in the same tournament pool. Usually this means somebody's spouse will take us all to the cleaners but last year my brother stepped up his game and won the whole thing against over a hundred different people. I have to take a little credit because he rode my coat tails. I've been a Kansas man for a long time and picked them to win every year for the last five and finally last year they broke through so Brandon looked like a genius but in reality, he was jumping on my bandwagon. But he walked away with the cash so my hat goes off to him. So this is a reminder to all you bracket jockeys: Bring your A game because I've been doing my research and this is my year.

Odds are Sara or Melanie will show us all up (no offense) but lets get that Bowen testosterone boiling.

Tax This "Change"

2009-02-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been working on my tax return. Growing up, I always heard how bad tax season was and I could never figure out what the big deal was. Just get somebody else to do it and quit complaining. Now I realize why we have Freedom of Speech. This stuff is tragic. It isn't the time involved because I can get mine done pretty quick. Instead it is the realization that being a single, white, unmarried, male is quite possibly the worst tax fate a person can suffer. I literally have to chug a gallon of Pepto in order to even glance at me W-2. How is it that the government can take 40 percent of what I earn and tell me its my patriotic duty? I feel my duty involves a 9 iron, a bucket of marshmallow cream, and Joe Biden's back hair. So buck up all you tax jockeys out there. Just think, with Obama in charge now, we will no longer have to pay taxes and we will receive a shipment of alpaca fur twice a month to cuddle up in and daydream about how great government is. "Change", I love it.

By the way, that humongous stimulus check we all got last year, oh yeah you have to report it.

Abstract Art

2009-02-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

There has been some confusion regarding my new header. Hopefully this will clear it up.

A Raw Deal

2009-02-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

My sister put me on to this story the AP just published. People are such sheep. If some liberal hippie gets up and rants and raves about something on which they have no knowledge, the blind ignorant masses are sure to follow. Its a good thing "change" is in the air because Obama and Tom Daschle won't allow anymore shenanigans to go on.
More than $83 million spent on Prop 8
Mormon church involvement
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which has been criticized for strongly encouraging its members to support Proposition 8, for the first time assigned a dollar value of nearly $190,000 to its role in getting the initiative passed.

More than half, or $97,000, went to the time staff of the Utah-based Mormon Church devoted to the Yes on 8 campaign, according to the church's report. Another $21,000 was for the use of church buildings and equipment during the campaign. Most of the rest went to airline tickets, hotels and meals for church officials.

The church said it did not make any cash donations supporting the measure.

The California Fair Political Practices Commission has been investigating the Mormon Church for allegedly underreporting its spending on behalf of Proposition 8.

Church spokeswoman Kim Farah said Monday that the church has complied with all campaign finance laws and that the updated figures come in response to the state's disclosure deadlines, not the FPPC investigation.

"The value of the Church's in-kind contribution is less than one-half of one percent of the total funds raised for the Yes on 8 campaign," Farah said.

Focus on the Family, the evangelical Christian media empire based in Colorado, reported giving $657,000 in cash and services to promote Proposition 8.

This is the best we can do?

2009-02-02T10:22:00.001-08:00

The tradition of Groundhog Day goes back for decades. It has become a novelty act over the last 30 years more than an actual prediction of weather. Since records have been kept in 1887, the groundhog has seen his shadow 90% of the time. Matching that up with official weather records, he is about 40% accurate when it comes to weather. At first glance you may think that his forecasting skills are lacking, but compare him to your local weatherman. Not much difference. Plus you only have to deal with the groundhog once a year as compared to a calendar full of horrendous 7 day outlook predictions. So I say to you, lets make this fine rodent head of the weather channel. At least then there would be an excuse for lousy accuracy.

Give A Hutte

2009-01-30T07:47:00.000-08:00

My new job requires me to meet with growers to contract grain acres all over eastern Washington. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the area, there are a handful of huge Hutterite colonies on this side of the state. Yesterday I had the opportunity to meet with some Hutterite brethren and was blown away with their operation. Everything they owned was either brand new or in immaculate condition. All of their tractors are GPS and they only use semi-trucks (about 30 total). This particular colony recently got too large and the church part of the colony to move to Oregon and start another colony. It is amazing to see their operation because this one colony farms over 100 pivots which is around 15,000 acres. Plus they have a dairy and a poultry operation. It has been said that between the half dozen or so colonies in Washington, once you cross the state line on the south, you can drive all the way to Canada without leaving Hutterian land. It is impressive. The one thing that really struck me was their total communal living. I compare that to southern Idaho and try to picture residents (Cranneys, Stokers, Searles, Whitleys, Critchfields, Bedkes, Robinsons) giving up ownership and taking orders. There is absolutely no way that would happen.

I think I would be a great Hutterite because I can grow a fabulous beard.

Can You Feel It?

2009-01-21T07:38:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning and something was different. It was as if the world outside was somehow brighter. All my worries and cares were gone. I walked outside and found a basket full of money on my porch with a note that said, "Change Happens." I sat down to ponder how amazing the world was and how my life was exponentially easier. I was left in a stupor trying to pinpoint the cause of such a unexpected reversal of fortunes. I went over to my neighbor's house and they related similar stories. I turned on the news to find the entire globe was caught up in identical situations. How could this happen? Who is responsible and why now? Then I put two and two together. Yesterday change happened.

I've decided to quit my job because with the world changing, I just don't see the need to occupy myself with such a trivial pursuit.

Why Tom?

2009-01-16T19:51:00.001-08:00

Tom Hanks Says Mormon Supporters of Proposition 8 'Un-American'
Friday, January 16, 2009
By Hollie McKay
AP
Tom Hanks Says Mormon Supporters of Prop-8 “Un-American”

Tom Hanks, an Executive Producer for HBO’s controversial polygamist series “Big Love,” made his feelings toward the Mormon Church’s involvement in California's Prop 8 (which prohibits gay marriage) very clear at the show’s premiere party on Wednesday night.

“The truth is this takes place in Utah, the truth is these people are some bizarre offshoot of the Mormon Church, and the truth is a lot of Mormons gave a lot of money to the church to make Prop-8 happen,” he told Tarts. “There are a lot of people who feel that is un-American, and I am one of them. I do not like to see any discrimination codified on any piece of paper, any of the 50 states in America, but here's what happens now. A little bit of light can be shed, and people can see who's responsible, and that can motivate the next go around of our self correcting Constitution, and hopefully we can move forward instead of backwards. So let's have faith in not only the American, but Californian, constitutional process.”

When informed of the "Forrest Gump" star's comments, Kim Farah, a spokesperson for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, told Tarts, "Expressing an opinion in a free and democratic society is as American as it gets."

Bill McKeever, a rep for the Mormonism Research Ministry, added, "Personally, I find it un-American to tell people that they shouldn’t vote their conscience. Hanks said he doesn’t 'like to see any discrimination codified on any piece of paper.' Considering that just about every law discriminates in some form or another, makes this comment ridiculous. Hanks’ comment shows that he very much believes in discriminating against people with whom he disagrees. I may not agree with Mormon theology, but I certainly defend their right to express their opinion."

I'm usually a fan of anything Tom Hanks does but after today, I will no longer support anything he is involved in. Even McKeever, the rep for one of the anti-mormon groups out there, disagrees with Mr. Hanks. Calling me Un-American for a belief system of which you have no idea is hypocritical, arrogant, and ignorant.
Forrest Gump how could you?

What Would I Be?

2009-01-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

I've been down in Tucson the last couple of days trying to deal with this horrible 84 degree weather. We got done early today with our meetings so we decided to go to the Pima Air and Space Museum. I've been to it a couple of times on my mission but it is always amazing to see history. This time I was particularly interested in different nose and tail art on the planes. I found this artwork on a "Liberator" that was used during the initial invasion of Normandy by the 446th. The original name was the Red Ass but they had to change it to the Bungay Buckaroo in order to be more family friendly in the newspapers. This reminded me about something that occurs daily in my life. I am frequently stopped on the street by random strangers and asked, "Clinton, if you were a bomber pilot, what would you name your plane?" My first reaction is to ask how does this complete stranger know my name? I then smile and respond, "That's simple. I would name it after the pilot:The Gorgeous Mormon"

I've Been Confused With Ben Hur

2009-01-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I was surfing through the tv when something on PBS caught my eye. Ben Hur was the movie of the week and I had never seen it before. I started watching it thinking I would loose interest rather quickly. I was mistaken. That movie is incredible. If you have never seen it, take the 3 1/2 hours and watch it. It won 11 oscars including Charlton Hesston's only academy award.

A side note: It is interesting how they tie in the life of Christ into the fabric of the entire movie.

Better Than A Puppy

2009-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my sister Mandi recently moved in with me. Since we are both single and "old" in mormon standards we have decided to take a page from the big screen. You may not be aware of my obsession with Anne of Green Gables, I try to keep it underground. Mandi and I were watching AGG on PBS the other day and we've decided to adopt a red-headed orphan. I'm no wizard with kids but it can't be much harder than taking care of a puppy.

Oh and we are going to name the kid Nacho.

The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

2009-01-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I attended a wedding reception but before I get into that let me preface the story. A few months ago a friend invited me over to her friend's house for game night. I got there before most of the others arrived so I sat down and talked the the parents before we went and played games. I didn't think twice about it but apparently this is how it all got started. The day after, the mother of the house we were at called her neighbor whose husband happens to be in the bishopric of the singles ward and did some inquiring of me. She wanted to set me up with her daughter that lives in Seattle. This neighbor she called is the same person that set me up with the disaster phone number a few months earlier so she was a little hesitant to get involved but agreed that we would be a good match. So the next few months were spent trying to get us to meet which included everybody telling both of us how we were destined to be together but I was gone all fall and she lived in Seattle. So finally that magical night was to be at the wedding reception of the neighbor's daughter who happened to be good friends with my "soulmate." You can see how tangled of a web that was woven. Now back to last weekend. I showed up intending to pay my respects and get out of there. Oh how naive I was. The bride forced me to sit down and eat until I could be introduced to my future wife. The evening was enjoyable but you could feel the pressure in the air. After dinner was served, there was a dance so I asked the bride's sister to dance. We were about halfway through the dance when the bride grabbed my arm and practically dragged me across the room to meet this mystery girl. Well the entire room stopped what they were doing and focused all eyes on me. This is because the entire room had heard about our destined meeting at some point over the past few months so they had to see what would develop. So you can obviously see there was no pressure whatsoever. The bride introduced me to this girl and we began talking. Now you might think this is where the story ends. So wrong. Over the course of you conversation which lasted about a half hour, there were at least five people (including her mother) that approached us, interrupted our conversation, and asked how things were going. Now you might think things couldn't get any stranger. Wrong again. About 20 minutes into the conversation the groom's brother approached us. I thought he had a question but how mistaken I was. He asked to cut in and take this girl to the dance floor. The best way to describe my reaction was stupification. I just moved aside and watched in befuddlement. They get to the dance floor and her parents are staring in horror. This is because it was her mother that put the idea in his head. Only her idea was for him to ask her daughter's friend to dance not her daughter. So he just leaves her on the floor in the middle of the song to go get her friend. Just as he gets back to the floor with her friend, the music stops and the dance is over. Hilarious. I couldn't make up that kind of craziness.
Anyway, all in all is was an enjoyable evening.

For those of you who are interested, she was great and we had a good time.

Life Changer

2008-12-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

So for all of you who haven't heard which is probably everybody because I haven't told anybody, I'm starting something new. I've accepted an offer from Mckay Seeds in Moses Lake to become the new Director of Research. My first day is Jan 2. The company deals in small grains from barley and wheat to buckwheat and mustard. The best part of the job is way less travel. I only have to travel two weeks out of the year and that is to Japan so not that bad. To all those of you who have my old phone number, I'm done with that phone. I will get my new phone number out there as soon as I get it.

FYI

2008-12-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

Did you know that an acre of corn transpires over 4000 gallons of water a day? Sounds a bit "corny" to me.

Unbelievable

2008-12-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in the Phoenix airport for three hours and I had the best luck. I hear a comotion behind me and see two teenage girls fighting by the restroom. I have no idea what started it but I don't think they even know each other. The cops are here and everything. Some days it pays to travel.

Two Belly-Button Rolls

2008-11-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving at the Bowen house was an interesting experience to say the least. Mandi made a fabulous dinner with help from my mom. She made these awesome huge rolls so we could have big turkey sandwiches. You know how you have to press your finger to make the two halves of the roll stay together during baking, well these rolls required a two finger touch because of their enormity. Kam Bam made peach jell-0 because what is Thanksgiving without jell-o. Cooper made chaos. That kid wouldn't stop. Between all the cookies, spinach dip, and karate chopping he never slowed down. You can't really understand what he is saying but he would ramble on forever about who knows what. The Bam and I even make turkey hats for everybody. Thats just the way we "roll"

I've Discovered Where They're Hiding

2008-11-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

I've been down here in Yuma for the last week and will be here until the end of January. I should make it back to Idaho for the holidays but it looks like the hotel is my new place of residence. Yuma this time of year is great and horrible at the same time. The weather is right around 85 degrees so that is nice but every last member of the AARP have driven their townhouse on wheels down here and are clogging the arteries of this fine city. The one good thing is they go out to eat at 4 in the afternoon and are in bed by 7. But they have to be the worst drivers in the world. In the last few days I've been run off the road twice by Old Man River changing lanes without consulting his brain. The elderly have done great work for this country but there should be regulations on how many people that receive social security checks can be stationed in a set geographic region at one time. So if you have ever wondered where your grandparents go in the winter time, now you know.

A Nation of Idiots?

2008-11-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

This election has been out of control. It never ceases to amaze me who bias the media is. I'm not talking about CNN of Fox but entertainment outlets that do a ridiculous job of masking their true intentions. MTV is the worst. Their big deal is Rock the Vote. They try to come off as unbiased but all of their reporting reeks of liberal propaganda. They try to convince the 18-25 year old crowd how out of touch republicans are and how a vote for Obama means that they are somehow a better person even though they still live with their parents and spend all of their free time playing video games and hitting the pipe. I am so sick of it. So go out and vote for whomever you like but remember Jesus is voting for McCain.

That is Jesus Rodriguez. He is a friend of mine.

The Open Road

2008-10-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

The good news just keeps coming. I'm currently in Yuma and the plan was for me to fly home tonight. Not so fast my friends. Now I've got to tow a planter up to Oregon and then continue on home. I love the feeling I get knowing I have 30 hours of open road ahead of me. Look out Nevada.

Don't forget I have no cell phone and not even a CB radio to yak with the truckers.

Not Down With It

2008-10-22T10:57:00.001-07:00

As I sit here in LAX, I've discovered a horrifying trend that needs to be stopped. I was people watching and a family caught my attention. You may be familiar with this particular family. They were all wearing the same thing! Old Navy shirts, sweatpants and the real kicker, matching Crocs. It was terrible. I felt physically ill afterward. The only thing that could have been worse would have been matching fanny packs. Parents you must stop this before it reaches epidemic proportions.

Back To The Stone Age

2008-10-22T05:06:00.001-07:00

So here I am sitting at the airport waiting for my flight trying to figure out if my latest dilemma is a good thing or a bad thing. I have a 6AM flight this morning so I had to leave my house around 2:30AM. I got all the way to the Spokane airport only to find I didn't bring my phone. Obviously there was no way I could turn around and go get it. This could be a huge problem since I don't have any idea how long I will be gone. Of course no phone will be peaceful but I'm really dreading getting back home to find a phone so full of messages, it will take until Yom Kippur to answer them all.

Some Nice Baked Goods

2008-10-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I think that some nice baked goods would really brighten my disposition on life. Thanks for the idea Ande. Please feel free to donate your spare pastries to my coffer.

Humility: A Virtue?

2008-10-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of interest about how the phone call turned out. The best way to explain is visually:

One word: Humbling

And that ladies is why we guys have a hard time asking you out.

I Will Never Get Off The Short Bus

2008-10-12T18:48:00.001-07:00

There is no way any of you ladies out there will understand this posting. There is a special place in heaven for us men. Do you have any idea how hard it is to call up a girl and ask her out. Absolutely terrifying. Now try calling a girl you have never met before and asking her out. There was one kind soul out there that is trying to find me a date and she rounded up a number for me. I literally sat in front of my phone for over an hour strategizing my conversation. That did absolutely nothing to benefit me. Once on the phone, I sure I came across as a slow-bus lifetime rider. So to all of you wives out there, hug your husbands and thank them for making fools out of themselves in order to meet you. To all you single ladies, if you are wondering why guys don't call the reason is we are mortified. If you do get a call cherish it because that dude was sweating it the whole time.

I used to think that the females had the hard job of delivering a baby, but in comparison to making a blind phone call, having a kid is about the same.

I'm just kidding. There is no comparison. The phone call is way worse.

Accident Prone

2008-10-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

I had to steal this picture from my niece and nephews' site. I think that Kam Bam and Coop-a-loop did a terrific job of first aid. It probably would have taken me at least two boxes of band aids to get it right and I'm an eagle scout. It made me reminisce about some unfortunate injuries that for the most part I wrought upon myself. There was the broken wrist from a sabbath day skateboard accident in college. I followed that up a year later by breaking the same wrist when a combine attacked me (in my defense my dad taught me how to be an idiot). I was bit in the Snake River by a Cadillac that required stitches on my leg. For some reason I have had a number of head injuries. I know most of you can now connect the dots at to why I am the way am. One night after a dinner, in which undoubtedly there was some dare to see how many grapes, marshmallows, or whatever else was left on the table I could fit in my mouth, I challenged my dad to a wrestling match. I'm not sure who started it but my dad made sure he ended it. I was totally dominating him when he pulled the old rope-a-dope and body slammed me into the fire place. I split my head open but the best part was when my sister saw the blood, she puked. That was a nice addition. That required stitches (in my dad's defense he felt terrible and even volunteered to take me to the hospital). There was another time my brother and I were on the trampoline doing kung fu. We had a spinning clothesline nearby so being the genius that we were (and still are) we decided to move the tramp underneath it and take turns spinning it and seeing if we could time our jumps to clear the arms. Turns out my timing is pretty bad. Some more stitches in the head. I fear the day I go bald because me head is going to look like a Union Pacific train depot. I've decided that my unhealthy addiction to stitches stems from one incident in my childhood. I don't personally remember this near fatal experience but it was obviously traumatic. At the age of two or three I went with my mom and brother to Dr. Page's office. My brother was getting tested because my parents thought he might be "slow" (just kidding Brandon, we already knew you were slow). We were all in the exam room and my mom was talking to the doctor about my brother. I decided I was some sort of ninja bunny and did a flippity flop off the table. Apparently my mouth was open because I was so gnarly and smoked my bottom lip on a drawer. The good news was we didn't have to wait to see the doctor. A few stitches in the lip later and I was good as new, or so I thought. To this day I have that scare on my lower lip the reminds of I was the original extreme athlete.

I also have stories that involve my nose and church ball, my nose and a crow bar, and my ear and a blood-thirsty Q-tip if you are so inclined.

Life Is A Pair Of Irrigation Boots

2008-10-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been doing a lot of pondering on my so called life. I suppose that is a result of standing on back of a planter in 100 degree plus temps. There has been one thing that keeps floating to the top of my settling pond of a brain. Is there ever a point in life when a person feels truly in control? I have a good job, a decent income, and am a chiseled specimen of what man should be but I can't seem to shake a feeling similar to falling in a ditch and filling your irrigation boots up with water then when you walk your feet make a squishy noise and you can't get your boots off because when you pull there is too much suction (metaphorically speaking). I'm not real sure where I was going with that. My train of thought jumped the track and is headed for Bombay.

Toss Up?

2008-10-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

It sure started out shaky. I don't know if Palin was nervous or what but the first few minutes of the debate were a bit sketchy. It appeared that she got stronger and more comfortable as the night went along which was a relief. Both Biden and Palin had some zingers and both got knocked around. I don't know if there is any way to declare a clear-cut winner. I think she did a good job of getting away from being just a sideshow to a real factor in this election. This debate wasn't as heated as last week's presidential debate but it was still entertaining.

Do you really think Joe Biden really spends a lot of time in Home Depot?

Air Traffic Control

2008-09-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

Today's rant is about airports. Why do things have to be so difficult. The last two trips down to Yuma I went from Pasco to Seattle to LAX to Yuma. For those of you unfamiliar with LAX have to leave security and take a bus to another terminal and do the whole thing over again if you are changing airlines. It is the worst. Going through security once is bad enough. Now try and getting randomly assigned the complete search. Last time I got that in Pasco and LAX the same day. Brutal. So this trip home I decided to fly to Phoenix to avoid having to leave security and take a bus. I've flown to Phoenix probably a dozen times and never had to change terminals. Well this morning was another story. So I had to wad through a hord of people, catch a bus, and go through security again. The only bright spot was the fact that I didn't get the rubber glove treatment in Yuma or Phoenix. The bad news is I'm only going home for five or six days before I have to do the whole thing over again. Sometimes I really love this job.

Some Like It Hot

2008-09-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

It was 112 degrees in Yuma today. There isn't anything else to say on that.

Popular Demand or Charity Case?

2008-09-20T16:28:00.001-07:00

I've noticed on my map that I'm quite the global demand. It can't be my atrocious alliteration or literary ineptness so the only thing I can figure is my moneymaker is the culprit. Like I've told so many, its a blessing and a curse. So to all you Bowen Bandwagoneers, where are the ladies? I publish a quarterly plea for a charming companion but it falls on deaf ears. Even those of you who promised to look for a mate tell me you found a few candidates but you can't tell me about them because they are a secret. Secret or non-existent? I'm on to you. You are ashamed you know me. I'll just go stand in the corner with my nose against the wall. Don't worry, I'm getting pretty good at it.

The Bad Kind of Chewbacca

2008-09-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

I realized I haven't posted a good tirade in a while. Staying down in the Armpit of America for 2 weeks will give a person a lot of ammunition. My topic d'jour is white trash chewing gum. That's right I'm talking about the long-cut leaf Levi Garrett made famous. There are a number of guys on my crew that put a pinch of chaw in on any occasion the day provides. Don't get me wrong. I love my redneck brethren. I think there should be day set aside to celebrate the miracle of the mullet, but people lay off the chewba. Every time I get into my pickup I come eye to eye with a diet Pepsi bottle full of that sadistic spittle. Is there anything worse in this world. You might as well carry around a thermos of raw sewage. I was driving one day with a coworker and he had a pinch in. He was also swapping spit time with knocking back a diet Pepsi. You can see where this is going. He picked up his toxic sludge bottle and was ready to take a swig but I had to stop him. As funny as it might have been, he was driving my vehicle and I wasn't really looking forward to cleaning tongue rubbish out of my vents.
So this is plea to all my Copenhagen Cowboys: STOP PACKING THE LIPPER AND TAKE AN ASTRONOMY COURSE ON THE BIG DIPPER!(the constelation not the world record for biggest tobacco plug ever insterted between the lip and gum)

In Like A Lion

2008-09-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

For all of you out there thinking it is a vacation down here in Yuma I present some photographic proof of my life. In the bottom picture you can see the very top of a power pole that is only about 100 feet away. Remember it is still about 95 degrees outside when this thing came rolling through.

Motherly Love

2008-09-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

I love my family especially my mother. She was worried that people would think she was a bad parent because of my post about power pole trauma. Not the case. The only reason she made me bandage myself was because she was concerned about my education and didn't want me to fall behind my other school chums. Makes perfect sense. I'm her little brown bear.

Veggie Tails?

2008-09-07T17:40:00.001-07:00

I loath vegetables. Ask anybody who knows me. I order my sandwiches at Subway with only meat and cheese. It has been a thorn in my mother's side forever. Growing up she always made be eat one spoonful of green beans before I could leave the table. I remember a few occasions when I thought she would cave but two hours later I was still sitting there with cold green beans on my plate that I had to choke down. Even today when I go home my mom makes me eat my veggies. She always asks me what I'm going to do when my wife cooks vegetables for dinner? I usually tell her I will run outside and hide. Plus I'm pretty sure that if a person eats too many vegetables they will sprout a tail. The reason I bring this up is that I had a terribly traumatic experience yesterday. I had to drive 30 hours from from Moses Lake to Yuma. Yesterday my coworkers and I stopped in Alturas CA for lunch. I ordered a delicious burrito from El Burro Mexican restaurant. When my entree arrived, I was horrified to find a toxic jungle of greenery on top of my tasty tortilla. I have grown used to this and spent about two hours meticulously cleaning my meal. By the time I was finished, I was thoroughly exhausted. I cut into my mountain of Mexican goodness only to find the inside was more contaminated than a Chernobyl Chili Cook off. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I had to abandon my designs for a pleasant meal. Luckily the chips and salsa were fabulous. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sit through years of professional therapy in order just to be in the same room with wicked leafage. Keep me in your prayers.

Hostile Takeover?

2008-09-04T12:03:00.001-07:00

Did you catch Sarah Palin at the GOP convention? Talk about coming out swinging. She was throwing haymakers like she was Ali at the Rumble in the Jungle. I was thoroghly impressed with not only her delivery but her confidence. I honestly didn't know much about her before last week, but after last night I was excited to see the direction the Grand Old Party is headed. My favorite line from the whole speech was "...this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or even a reform, not even in the State Senate." Classic. I hope she keeps rural America a priority. This whole election process has been filled with low blows and mud slinging and it is only going to get worse. Hopefully after all is said and done, we will have a president that isn't a puppet for a bunch of tree-hugging liberal hippies.

Back to School

2008-08-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

School started here today and it brought back a flood of memories. Oh how I hated going back but I loved those new protractors and compasses. Which leads me to the question. Did anybody actually use those death spikes(compass)? Anyway I digress. I vividly remember one morning waiting for the bus. We were the first kids to get picked up so the bus came around 7am. One brisk morning my brother and I were waiting for the bus and decided to huck crab apples at one another. The fighting became intense and I wanted to chuck another handful before retreating. I emptied my arsenal and began to run away. I took a few steps backward gaining momentum with the intent on turning around and running for my life. Just as I turned around, I was greeted be a family friend. A telephone pole. I smacked that thing so hard with my face it left slivers in my nose. I screamed as if the Titanic was going down but nobody came to my aid. My brother just stood there either in shock or amusement(what a butt). I clenched my face and made a mad dash inside. My mother was so kind. First she yelled at me for such tomfoolery. Then she grabbed the rustiest tweezer known to men and became a battlefield surgeon. In the back of my mind I thought that I was going to be able to stay home from school. Oh how young and naive was I. The roar of the bus could be heard down the road and my mom made it very clear that if I missed the bus I was walking to school(super idea having a 10 year old thumb a ride to school 12 miles away). She shoved me out the door with a bandaid in my hand to told me to bandage myself on the bus. Such love. I don't recall much else from that day but I'll bet my school chums gave me quite the grief over my shenanigans.

PS
I don't blame my mom for pawning my off on the Cassia County School District bus no. 79-3. If I was her I would have done the same thing. I was quite the ruffian.

Sweat It Out

2008-08-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm laying down the gauntlet. It's time for all of us to drop some weight. I came to this realization the other day when my boss was in town. Every time he is here, we go out to eat at least once a day most of the time twice a day. This is so nasty. So this is my challenge to everybody: let lose those pesky five pounds (or more if you so desire) in the next 30 days. It shouldn't be that tough. Quit sneaking treats and eat something healthy instead. Do some sort of exercise, maybe taming wild mustangs or just walking for a few minutes every day. I'll bet we will all feel better. Do something everyday even if you don't feel like it. I will post periodically to report on what I'm doing. My first goal is to switch out my Hostest cupcakes for breakfast with a banana.

This Is Classic

2008-08-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

HOOPER, Utah — A farmer has erected a fence in his backyard made of three old cars sticking up in the air to send a message to new neighbors that he can do whatever he wants on his farm.

"This is just a fun way for me to say, 'Hey boys, I'm still here,'" said Rhett Davis. "This is my redneck Stonehenge."

Davis came up with the idea after neighbors who recently moved into homes next to his hayfield complained about his farm.

"The people who bought the homes say, 'Well, we love looking into your yard and seeing the horses and the cattle, but we don't like the flies, and we don't like the mosquitoes,' and when I cut my field to bale it, they say, 'We don't like the dust in the air,'" Davis said.

Davis said he offered to pay half the cost of a fence between his property and the others and to build it. He said his neighbors declined the offer, saying it would block their view.

Neighbors declined to comment to the Standard-Examiner of Ogden.

Davis said after the neighbors declined his offer, he used a backhoe to dig three large holes on the edge of his property, then took three cars that had competed in demolition derbies and planted them nose-first into the ground.

He said the cars were planted out of humor rather than spite. He said it's important that new residents moving into the area realize that Hooper remains a farming community.

The area has grown recently with new residents who desire a country atmosphere but don't want the smells and noises of farm life, Davis said.

"I respect that they're here and spent a lot on their homes, but on the other hand, give me a little bit, too. I've been here since I was 7 years old," he said.

Davis said he doesn't intend to keep the cars up permanently.

"I've talked to my neighbors and worked things out. I really just thought this would be a funny thing to do," he said. "These can come out just as easy as they went in."

What a Homeskillet

2008-07-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

It looks like when Goofy goes skiing in those old cartoons. You have to give him props for trying even though he is a total tool.

Dark Knight

2008-07-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

So I finally got to see the new Batman last night. The movie was good. I didn't think it was great but it was entertaining. However, Heath Ledger as the Joker was incredible. All the hype around his performance was justified. He totally made the movie a must see. If he doesn't win an oscar, I'll sell my sister to the Canadian Royal Mounted Police.

Genius Read

2008-07-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've recently been reading a book on the life of Albert Einstein. It is an amazing look on how his environment shaped his general theory of relativity, light quanta discovery, and quantam mechanics. It's a nice light read of about 700 pages. It only took me 45 minutes to read the whole thing.

Ghetto Mini Golf

2008-07-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

There are several "Ghetto" activities in Moses Lake but hands down my favorite is mini golf. I am the champion. I rocked the clown's nose on the 19th hole and won a free game. Winning a coupon that saves me four dollars on the next round of ghetto heaven never felt so good. Plus I beat the guy that was with me and he brought his own putter. I really let him have it.
This isn't the course but it is pretty close

The Many Faces Of Terror

2008-07-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

The Grizzly Adams AKA The Chester

The Lumberjack AKA The High School Dropout

The Dump Truck Driver AKA The 10 sec Kung Fu Grip

The Fu Man Chu AKA The Dirty Magician

The General AKA The Brent

Take your pick but be ready to deal with the consequences.

Lets Talk About Sex(ual Harrasment)

2008-07-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

I am now a certified professional when it comes to all forms of harassment. I had to drive 12 hours round trip yesterday to attend a mandatory sexual harassment training. Super awesome leaving my house at 2am to head to Oregon. No longer will I tolerate all those long stares directed at my rockin hot body. One problem is I can no longer use my sweet moves as a way to motivate Juan and Nacho. So if you have any questions feel free to ask. Just don't call me Sugar Buns. Who am I kidding? You can call me Sugar Buns, Hot Lips, or Sweet Cocoa Bear anytime you want.

Birthday Boys

2008-07-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

I need to give some overdue dap to the Bowen boys. This past week was Coop's and Brent's bdays. Cooper is entering those terrible two's but I think he got a few months head start. Brent is entering those forgetful years which I know for a fact he got a decade head start. My favorite story is Cooper trying to sneak treats and Grandma and Grandpa's house. Brent told him no and he would bop him with the newspaper. So Coop quietly walks over to Grandpa and pinches his leg. Watch out for that kid.

Be careful wishing Coop a happy bday. He will steal your toy and then punch you in the face just to let you know who is boss.

I'm a Pretty Big Deal

2008-07-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

I visited the valley known as magic for the 4th. My siblings chided me for my lack of blogging. I logged on this morning and found out that it had been a month since my last post. I apologize to all my loyal readers. I'm sure you have had a real lack of direction in your life over the last month. Let me give you a little update on me. I'm rocking the beard again. I need to renew my passport for a trip to Europe in the near future so I wanted to get my passport pics taken looking like a fabulous transient. My mother thinks I look ridiculous but she still loves me. She calls me her little brown bear. I think she calls me that because I love honey. I do have a camera now so I will post an update on my facial debacle. My sis has come up to the 509 to visit and take in the richness on my bachelorhood. I'm sure she will update you on how amazing I am.

Beanie Fever

2008-06-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

So I decided since I didn't offend enough people with my last post, I would try again. What is the deal with idiots rocking the beanie in the middle of the summer. It is massively hot but these shallow-end of the gene pool dwellers are sporting wool caps as if they were in the Yukon Territory. I'm not sure if they are trying to make a statement or are just extremely ugly. Maybe its a statement on their ugliness. People are such dopes. So if you think you are smooth stylin that bonnet think again. You look like a bigger tool than this dude.

Ways to spot an Idiot

2008-06-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with men and women both sporting these horrible mistakes for fashion. Seriously white plastic sunglasses. As soon as I see somebody with these I immediately know that we will never be friends. This is currently the easiest way be spot an idiot. So beware all of you out there. If you see a ragamuffin walking toward you on the street with these, cross over to the other side so you don't risk getting any of their idiocracy on you.

Home School

2008-05-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

To all of you who are,were or will be home schooled: Do Not Read This! I'm not real sure why I thought of this but lately I've been pondering how insane home schooling is. Is there a more out of touch segment of society than home schooled/private schooled kids. The majority have about as much social awareness as a maple tree. They are socially retarded. I'm not saying that public school education is better. In fact it is probably worse but I think the more important part of education is interaction between peers. We have all been around home schooled people and felt massively awkward around those social dwarfs. So let this be a warning to all you parents out there. Don't let your kids grow up to be clueless.

No Inspiration

2008-05-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Many of you have noticed that I haven't blogged for quite some time. I haven't been that busy so I can't use that as an excuse. I haven't been dating so that went out the window. The main reason is nothing has gotten under my skin lately. I usually blog about how bitter I am or how people are bugging me. I have missed Institute that last few weeks so that usually provides great dirt to dish on. Last night I finally experienced something that got me going. It is that guy feels the need to officiated a sporting contest from the sidelines. I went to see my friends play in a rec league volleyball game and their opponent had a dad on the sideline that was out of control. He kept yelling at the ref that the other team was breaking rules that nobody knew existed. He had that whole condescending attitude. Not only did get after the ref, he was all over his team telling them he wanted to hear more chatter and the science of the serve and spike. What a tool. He is that universal guy that we all have experienced usually in little league or church ball. You know those games that are life or death.

Spring has Sprung

2008-05-07T14:33:00.001-07:00

Well it appears that warm weather is finally here. That can mean only one thing: fashion disasters. There are several things in life that shouldn't be mixed: peanut butter and gasoline, pine cones and nacho cheese, and tube tops and girth. I'm not sure why people feel the need to show off excessive amounts of skin and stretch marks to the world but we have all seen this catastrophe. Spandex and cellulite are two things that the world doesn't ever need to see. The thing that amazes me the most is these people think they are hot stuff. If you are having trouble picturing this stereotype, I have one word for you WALMART. It is as if there is some instinctive gene in said person that makes them all gather together at Wally World to purchase Milwaukee's Best and Easy Cheese. So I issue this public warning to all my dear friends and enemies alike (because I don't wish this sight on anyone), don't venture out if you are feeling queasy because one sight of this cottage cheese in saran wrap will make you toss your cookies.

Singles Ward Testimonies

2008-05-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

All of you out there who have ever attended a single's ward know exactly what I'm talking about. Yesterday was fast Sunday. That meant testimony meeting. I've heard people bear their testimonies on everything from Chronicales of Narnia to felonies. Yesterday was a first. A guy got up and began talking about his mission. He served a sign language mission in Colorado. He began to explain a disscussion about the law of chastity. Oh yeah this was about to get good. He said they usually had to act things out because there weren't signs. He told the congregation that he and his companion acted out having sex to show the investigators what not to do. Incredible. He went into a very detailed account including explaining how his companion used a sheet as a dress and he crawled out from underneath it demonstrate having a baby. Remember this was all done over the pulpit. Awesome. I still can't understand how there aren't signs for these things but what do I know. So all of you out there that think your meetings are crazy, try and top that one.

No Pants, No Problem

2008-05-01T22:27:00.001-07:00

Today is indeed No Pants Day. Ironically is corresponds with the day of my sister's birth. A coincidence? Perhaps. (On a side note, a tip of the cap and a wave of jubilation goes out to Mindi on this anniversary of her escape from the womb). I've done some research and discovered that this joyous celebration dates back to 1928 in Hollywood. Some big wig movie types started No Trouser's Day for no other reason except they could. This year's big celebration will be held in Boise. Some activists are using it as a chance to protest the lack of a mass transit system in Boise. This has led to some purists (including myself) to condemn the use of this glorious holiday for political propaganda and positioning. Leave it to the Treasure Valley. Anyway, I digress. I imagine most of you are wondering will I or won't I bust a no pants move. The answer is quite complex. For the last 10 years, I've slowly been getting tattooed up and down my legs. With what you might ask? A pair of brown corduroys. So now I can rock No Pants Day everyday and nobody will be the wiser. So if you see me coming down the street sporting brown cords, think twice about that big bear hug you want to bestow upon me.

P.S.
If you want to see my lower body work of art, it's going to cost you

That guy

2008-04-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that guy. I recently experienced an entire group of that guy. We were supposed to get together at the stake center to play some flag football. Well, it turns out that some genius decided it would be a good idea to play tackle. I'm rockin' flip flops and these guys are putting on cleats. That was only the start. You would have thought it was the Super Bowl. People were going nuts. I got blocked so hard I couldn't see straight and I was on the other side of the field from the ball. I found out later that three or four of the guys are on a semi-pro football team up here. Are you kidding me? The quarterback on my team thought it would be funny to throw me the ball and watch me run for my life. What a Butt. I suppose it is comforting to know that wherever you go, there will always be that guy.

AKA Jeff "The Hawk" Hawker

NFL Draft

2008-04-28T09:09:00.001-07:00

As most of you know, I'm a huge sports fan. This weekend was the NFL Draft. I didn't watch all 16 hours of it of I caught my fair share. To update all you Cougar Alum. Bryan Kehl was picked no. 24 of the 4th round by the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants. No other Cougar was drafted but Kelly Poppinga signed a free agent contract with the Dolphins. He will join John Beck and John Denney in Miami. You might know that his brother Brady, plays for the Packers. Another good Mormon boy to keep your eye on is Spencer Larson. He played for the University of Arizona. He was drafted with the 17 pick of the 6th round by Denver. Lets not forget Kevin Curtis. Even though he is an Aggie. He is a solid receiver for the Eagles coached by a "good" mormon Andy Reid ("good" other than his druggie kids). Here is a complete list of Cougs in the pros:
John Beck Quarterback Miami Dolphins
Daniel Coats Tight End Cincinnati Bengals
Ryan Denney Defensive End Buffalo Bills
John Denney Center Miami Dolphins
Aaron Francisco Safety Arizona Cardinals
Chris Hoke Defensive Tackle Pittsburgh Steelers
Scott Jackson Guard Houston Texans
Cameron Jensen Linebacker Seattle Seahawks
Bryan Kehl Linebacker New York Giants
Brett Keisel Defensive End Pittsburgh Steelers
Reno Mahe Running Back Philadelphia Eagles
Shaun Nua Defensive End Buffalo Bills
Brady Poppinga Linebacker Green Bay Packers
Naufahu Tahi Fullback Minnesota Vikings
John Tait Offensive Tackle Chicago Bears
Todd Watkins Wide Receiver Oakland Raiders
Scott Young Guard Philadelphia Eagles
Many of you aren't sports fans so you don't care about any of this and think I'm an idiot, but you read the whole post so who is the idiot now.

Hug a Tree

2008-04-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was Earth Day. Give me a break. The only thing on tv last night were shows on global warming. I'm not saying global warming is a fraud but it snowed here yesterday. Now there is a report from a scientist in Australlia that says we are getting closer to an Ice Age than global warming. There are far too many whack jobs out there with too much money. Instead of spending all the money that is used for lawsuits to protect fish nobody eats, save trees nobody wants, and guard animals nobody has seen, we should get these oil prices under control so old John Q Farmer doesn't have to mortgage his house in order to spread fertilizer on the south 40. So to all you birkenstock wearing, granola eating, carabeener on the coffee cup sporting, frisbee with your dog in the park playing, nut cases: get a job and leave us alone!

Another idea: you could join the rainbow family and start a drum circle in your back yard

Editorial on Life as an Outcast

2008-04-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time thinking. Well its a mix between thinking and quoting movies. (I'll come at you like a spider monkey.) Anyway, lately I've been thinking about the single life. I was recently informed that a younger cousin got engaged. That leaves three cousins on my dad's side that aren't married out of like 25. Two are in the same family (Terrence and Philip). There is so much pressure to get married in our culture. Just ask Mandi about the spring insert into the Daily Universe. My sister and I talk about this all the time. Every time we run into somebody from home, all they want to know is marital status. I could have a third arm growing out of my neck that has become a world famous hand model but that is secondary to marriage prospects. People approach my parents and want to know if their kids ride the short bus because they aren't married. Mandi and I don't ride the short bus. We drive it! I think most people automatically assume that because you are older than 23 and not married you are bitter and lonely. Granted I'm bitter but that has nothing to do with my bachelorhood. Brother Brigham is credited with saying single people are a drain on society. If that is true, I suppose I would be more like a vacuum. My parents are fabulous. They don't pressure me at all. They want me to get married but realize that it will happen sooner or later (Julie would love it much sooner than later). So I publish this plea to all you out there who loose sleep over us singles: We sincerely appreciate your concern but don't worry. We aren't mutants (for the most part), we aren't gay (except for Josh Groban), and we don't cry ourselves to sleep at night (except after a good Micheal Bolton ballad).

Plus Jesus still thinks we are super cool.

Dream On

2008-04-18T08:07:00.001-07:00

I think something has broken in my head. I have been having the strangest dreams the last few nights. For example, last night I dreamed that BYU was playing Minico in soccer on the field at Pella. The thing was it was Sunday and church was going on. I was outside because I was skipping Sunday School and was walking through the field by Genius Gene Gerescht's trees. Then a bunch of people I graduated high school with came out of church and started to play against Minico. What was that all about. I know some of you out there try to analyse dreams so go ahead and try to figure this one out.

TP

2008-04-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Since Brittany and Landon have teamed up and taken on split personalities, I've decided that Mandi and I will be Terrance and Phillip. At first I was thinking Mr Garrison and Mr Hat, but I think those crafty Canadians have more clout. If you have to ask, it is probably better that you didn't.

Up in Smoke

2008-04-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

You think you had a bad day. Try burning up $100,000 worth of company property. I didn't personally but my crew was responsible for this fire. They burned some trash in a barrel that apparently smoldered and wind blew some embers into stacks of wood boxes. Nothing like getting a call at 7pm saying your building was on fire. I flew out to find about 20 firetrucks in mad chaos. No damage was done to buildings or equipment just custom made wood boxes. I'm just getting over the feel of vomiting.

O Ye of little faith

2008-04-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

So many skeptics out there. I don't own a camera. I'm not one of those people. So that is the reason I haven't posted a picture of my facial hair. If you need somebody to testify of my manhood, ask Tom. He has been a witness to the glory of my post pubescent transformation.

Bitter, Bitter, Bitter

2008-04-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am extremely bitter at all of you. I know there are at least 207,000 different readers that subscribe to my blog and not one of you has hooked me up with a member of the opposite sex. I pleaded with you a month ago to help me land somebody famous. Wow. you are all so selfish. Are you trying to make me look like an idiot. Trust me, I don't need your help to do that. I drive a Dodge Stratus. I'm in charge of 15 people. People are scared of me.

2008-04-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

I know there are a number of you that haven't been able to sleep without updates on my facial hair revolution. Well worry no longer. I decided Saturday night that since we finished up planting it was a perfect time to do some manscaping. I torched the beard and am now sporting a glorious set of handlebars. It literally brought tears to my eyes to part with the beard but it was like my beard was a caterpillar, my face was a cocoon, and my stache is a beautiful butterfly. I can't wait to go to a truck stop and show it off. If I had to describe it I would say it is a cross between a rainbow and the mane of a unicorn. Breathtaking.

I'm Back

2008-04-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

Not that anybody cares but we finished up transplanting last week. Hopefully my life will return to some semblance of normalcy now.

Ghost Writer

2008-03-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be a ghost for the next three weeks. Crazy busy with transplanting. But I love you all especially the Bam, the Coop, and Landini

I'm super thanks for asking

2008-03-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is to cheer up my sister. Just sing the song to yourself and try not to smile. I dare you. Don't you like my hat.

My Doppelgänger

2008-03-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

This guy looks just like me. You have to picture him without the top hat.

Life in General

2008-03-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

My sister is getting ready to graduate and is trying to decide what she wants to do. This got my thinking about my own life. Growing up, you only plan to college. It is usually goes graduate high school, mission, and college. I guess we think that after college everything else will take care of itself. What a load of crap. You get to your last semester of school and then start freaking out because the real world is right around the corner and you have no idea what to do. You figure that once that degree is in hand, the jobs will pour in. Another load of crap. So you finally land a job and think okay now everything will be smooth sailing. Wrong again. Now you have to decide if you want to stay at that job for your career or maybe you should do something else. You know that the longer you stay the harder it will be to try something new. That is where my life currently is and it isn't getting any easier. So from my limited knowledge, I deduce that life will constantly try to kick you in the groin so we all should where a cup and hope it doesn't break after years of abuse.

At your request

2008-03-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Here is a fair representation of my facial adventure. I personally can't tell us apart.

March Madness

2008-03-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

That time of year is finally here. Sunday we will finally have our brackets. A study came out that said companies will loose approx one billion dollars on Monday due to workers filling out brackets and not working. I say lets make it two billion. I won't reveal my picks until right before the tournament so people don't steal my picks. I would say good luck to everybody on their picks, but most of us are in the same pool so everyman for themselves.

Facial Hair Update

2008-03-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

This is just to let everybody know how my experiment is going. I'm still working on a super smooth beard before I transition to a stache. I don't own a camera so I've posted a picture of who I resemble. Wa Wa Wi Wa.

PB&J Flavor

2008-03-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

I enjoy channel surfing (ask anyone in my family). The other day I stumbled upon a show on the Food Network. They made the most incredible thing I've ever seen. PB&J doughnuts. The coolest thing about it was how simple it was to make. I haven't tried them yet but let me assure you I will. Here is the quick version. Make a regular PB&J sandwich. When dip the whole thing in batter. The batter is pancake mix with a little carbonation so the sandwich will float in the fryer. Then fry it up. Finish with some cinnamon-sugar coating. How awesome is that. If anybody tries it before me, let me know.

Those awkward moments

2008-03-10T11:57:00.001-07:00

So I ran into my ex yesterday at church. She was with her new beau. Talk about awkward. Not necessarily for me but there was some tension in the air. I tried for a conversation but neither of them were interested. The funny thing is earlier I was talking with my ex's dad and he wanted me to come over and eat dinner at their house. That would be awesome. The only thing that could make it more uncomfortable would be for me to show up with no pants.

What's a wife worth?

2008-03-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

A lot of people say that you can't put a price on a happy marriage. Well happy or sad, my calculations show that being married would have paid off about $4500 this last year. How you might ask? Taxes. Instead of having a refund of $4200 if I was married, I still owed $300 at the end of the year. Being single really hurts the wallet.

Lets Gamble

2008-03-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are American Idol fans (My mother and Sister-in-law), here are the Vegas odds for the winner. Our good old Mormon boy is the overwhelming favorite to win. So put some money down on him. If you win, you wouldn't have to pay tithing because it would be ill-gotten gains. Everybody's a winner.

Vegas Odds (500 pays $5.00 for every $1.00 bet and so on. Note that Archuleta would require $2.50 to win $1.00)

19840 MICHAEL JOHNS 500
19841 DAVID ARCHULETA -250
19842 CARLY SMITHSON 250
19843 ASIA H EPPERSON 1200
19844 SYESHA MERCADO 2000
19845 KADY MALLOY 1500
19846 KRISTY LEE COOK 5000
19847 DAVID HERNANDEZ 2000
19848 RAMIELE MALUBAY 800
19849 BROOKE WHITE 2600
19850 DANNY NORRIEGA 5000
19851 JASON CASTRO 1200
19852 AMANDA OVERMYER 5000
19853 LUKE MENARD 5000
19854 DAVID COOK 5000
19855 CHIKEZIE EZE 7500

Who broke wind?

2008-03-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

Growing up in Southern Idaho, I grew accustomed to the wind especially in the spring. Here in Moses Lake, Wa, the climate is very similar. The only difference is everything up here is sand. When the wind blows here, a minimum of three layers of skin are blasted away from your face and you come home with enough sand in every crevice of your body to fill a sandbox the size of New Hampshire. That's right, New Hampshire. It gets in the corner of your eyes and instead of eye boogers you end up with a paste that you could stucco a house with. So to anyone who ever said spring is a sight to behold, try seeing it through eyes covered with Spackle.

Ode to the moustache

2008-03-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who originally said it but the moustache is the most noble form of facial hair. For those of you who don't know me, I have a fascination for moustaches and the men who sport them. The most influential "stache" in my life is my dad. His moustache most closely resembles the Major or the Business man. Well, I've decided to transform my face into a breathtaking forest of hairy wonder. I've yet to come to a firm decision on what "stache" I'll sport but I'm leaning to a combination of the Trucker and the Jihad Jack. Whatever I choose I'm sure I'll look like the biggest 80's reject since that drummer from Boston.