Dealbreaker

It's incredible to see how fast time goes. January is almost over and I've yet to post a good rant in the new year. My babies are growing into such quite the luscious specimens thanks in large part to my gentle yet firm form of parenting (my babies are my two house plants). I've already got growers planting spring wheat so unfortunately it looks like winter in the 509 has vanished. I've had an adventure or two but one in particular really sticks out. If you watch the show 30 Rock you are familiar the the term Dealbreaker. For example, "ladies, if your man is 35 and still wears a name tag to work, that's a dealbreaker." I've developed some dealbreakers of my own recently. I've decided as part of the new year to broaden my horizons on the dating frontier. What a terrible mistake! I was set up with a girl a couple of weeks ago and it was hands down the worst dating experience I've ever had. This leads me to my first Dealbreaker. "If a girl hasn't seen Dumb and Dumber, regardless if she liked it or not, that's a dealbreaker." Honestly, how is it possible that a person between the ages of 10 and 40 has never seen the cinematic treasure Dumb and Dumber? I should have given her cab fare then and there and bid her adieu. The second dealbreaker "if a girl moves across the country to be closer to a guy she has met once, only to live in his parents basement for an entire year while he is dating somebody else, that's a dealbreaker." I don't think any further explanation is required. The third dealbreaker "if a girls claims to be runner up to Miss Washington even though she can't remember the year it happened, that's a dealbreaker." Yeah I googled it and no dice. The final dealbreaker of this brief date "if a girl claims to make 90 dollars an hour at a baby apparel store she doesn't own and has no discernible job title, thats a dealbreaker." A few other questionable qualities: she is also planning on camping out to see some Nicholas Sparks movie, her favorite band is Nickleback (for you old timers out there Nickleback is a Canadian band whose lead singer is a horse), and she claims to have owned 4 houses (she is 24). The amazing thing is all these things happened over dinner. It was an epic evening to say the least. The whole thing has really shaken my resolve to "broaden" my horizons. I'm feeling pretty comfortable with the view I've got right here.

To top it all off, I found out yesterday that she told my friend that she has me wrapped around her finger. That's news to me. I'm starting to get nervous that one day I'm going to come home to find a severed head on my doorstep.