Monday, May 3, 2010

The Lost Decade

I realize my postings have been lacking as of late. The thing is life has been going pretty good and since I use this blog as a sounding board for my rants and raves, I just haven't had anything to write about. That is until today. I was checking my email this morning blissfully unaware that life was about to give me a righteous backhand straight to the money maker. What on earth could be so humbling you may ask? A simple email from my high school reunion committee. SON OF A ?&%@! Are you serious? Has it really been 10 years? Indeed it has. It felt like somebody froze my big toe and then hit it with a sledge hammer. Now I haven't been living in denial (in this particular instance). I knew this was on the horizon but until an official notice was served, it seemed like some sort of mythical event that was never really going to materialize like a unicorn bar mitzvah or getting married. Something that just couldn't happen in this particular space-time continuum. I was one of a handful of graduates seemingly lost to that new fangled intraweb because I refuse to participate in the Big Brother of our generation, Facebook. Don't get me started on Facebook because I have some real issues with the whole social networking sites but that is a different rant for a different day. So I clicked on the link to see what this magical reunion had in store for me. I was whisked away to a jungle of bios on how the Class of 2000 was living their lives. I think I've made myself abundantly clear in the past on my stance towards the mindless drones that try to convince their peers that they've got the world by the tail. So I crawled through a handful of postings only to develop a combination of depression, anger, and apathy that manifested itself in the form of a nervous tick that has taken me a the last few hours to kick. So now I'm seemingly adrift in a haze of unbelief and self-pity trying to figure out how I ended up here and what I've got to show for the last decade besides three marginally successful houseplants and a pretty complete movie collection. Life can be such a cruel mistress sometimes.

On a side note: There was little chance I was going no matter when the date but the fact that the reunion is Aug 20-21 right in the middle of harvest, just solidified my plans to be a no show. Plus everybody already knows I'm too cool for school.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Its Marriage Not Nuclear Physics

For some odd reason the planets have aligned in the last month or so to really push the marriage agenda. I got my mail last week and found the April issue of the Ensign. I was thumbing through it only to discover half of the issue was devoted to marriage. And not the usual topics like maintaining a strong marriage but advice on how to actually get married. It was filled with first hand accounts and advice from recently married couples. GIVE ME A BREAK. The last thing I need is lovey dovey couples who are still floating on a cloud made of toasters, reception mints, and an over inflated image of their own awesomeness, to give me marriage tips. They come across as a modern day Mother Teresa reaching down into the gutters of society to provide much needed rays of enlightenment to the disgruntled masses and burdens of society. They actually had the audacity to explain the process that goes into getting married.

I am supremely confident in my next opinion. There isn't a single active Mormon over the age of 23 that doesn't know how to get married. The process isn't that complex. I mean we've all seen some of these people that are dabbling in the matrimonial arts and no disrespect to their genetics but some of these people should not reproduce but here they are, lucky in love. Some of the comments in the articles were so condescending I nearly pulled a hamstring throwing the magazine in disgust. Granted I took the short bus to school but getting married isn't like creating a particle accelerator in Geneva. Here is my breakdown: Two people cross paths. They discover that they don't completely annoy one another so they start a relationship on that. They meet each other's families and seem to handle the inappropriate jokes and that creepy uncle/brother with minimal issues. A few months go by and they are still relatively unrepulsed by the each other so they decide they might as well get married for the tax break and to get society off their backs. End of story. I'm sure love is sprinkled in there somewhere but with the divorce rate as high as it is, sometimes I wonder.

Don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I'm not against the institution of marriage. Marriage and families are the building blocks of society and the decline of said institution is proportionately related to the downfall of decency in the world. I fully support my church authorities and the commandment to get married. I am, however, against know-it-all tools who feel it their foreordained mission to spoon feed me step-by-step instructions on how to join the rest of the blissful idiots with their heads in the clouds. The reason I'm not married has nothing to do with not knowing the intricacies of courtship. Could it possibly be because the most "suitable" (I also don't believe there is a one and only but that is a whole other topic) option has not presented itself? People, I beg you, pull your heads out of your self righteous orifices and join society as a contributing member rather than a self-aggrandizing busy body.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Just Another Self Esteem Boost

Well I guess it wasn't meant to be. I lost in the first round of the brawl. Honestly I'm really glad I didn't win because I don't think I could write a blog a week all year long. I really didn't have much of a chance. How am I supposed to compete with a girl writing about dresses? I do think it's a sad commentary on the mormon culture. They relate more to a 20 year old buying bridesmaid dresses than at 27 year old writing about the complexities and intricacies of life. I think that is one of the reasons why its so hard being older and single. People still place a stigma next to you wondering why you didn't buy bridesmaid dresses ten years ago. But that is just one of the joys of being a menace to society. Thanks for all the support but apparently most of you haven't been paying your tithing otherwise I think it may have come out differently.

On a side note this is a reason why I would never have won anyway:
Is it just me or does anybody else have an issue with the Osmonds? I have a real hard time dealing with the fact that Pres. Monson spoke at the funeral of Marie Osmond's son. He had been in and out of rehab and committed suicide in LA. I realize everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt but the fact that the Prophet spoke at a funeral of somebody that really had nothing to do with the church other than being part of a famous family gives the impression that you can lead whatever life you want and as long as you have connections, your life will be celebrated as an example of righteous living. I understand that I'm a cynic and generally a bad person so I'm probably on an island with this one but writing on a blog is cheaper that hiring a therapist.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Blogger Brawl

Thanks to a little encouragement from my cousin Lisa, I entered the Mormon Times 20 Something blogger contest. I have been selected as one of 32 bloggers to go head to head until a winner is selected by the readers. The main focus of the blog is being single and dating as an older mormon. So my first battle is March 10 on Mormon Times so if you are so inclined you can check me out there and vote if you are so moved. I'll probably be disqualified at some point for preaching false doctrine and leading good members astray but until then, anything goes.

Monday, January 25, 2010


It's incredible to see how fast time goes. January is almost over and I've yet to post a good rant in the new year. My babies are growing into such quite the luscious specimens thanks in large part to my gentle yet firm form of parenting (my babies are my two house plants). I've already got growers planting spring wheat so unfortunately it looks like winter in the 509 has vanished. I've had an adventure or two but one in particular really sticks out. If you watch the show 30 Rock you are familiar the the term Dealbreaker. For example, "ladies, if your man is 35 and still wears a name tag to work, that's a dealbreaker." I've developed some dealbreakers of my own recently. I've decided as part of the new year to broaden my horizons on the dating frontier. What a terrible mistake! I was set up with a girl a couple of weeks ago and it was hands down the worst dating experience I've ever had. This leads me to my first Dealbreaker. "If a girl hasn't seen Dumb and Dumber, regardless if she liked it or not, that's a dealbreaker." Honestly, how is it possible that a person between the ages of 10 and 40 has never seen the cinematic treasure Dumb and Dumber? I should have given her cab fare then and there and bid her adieu. The second dealbreaker "if a girl moves across the country to be closer to a guy she has met once, only to live in his parents basement for an entire year while he is dating somebody else, that's a dealbreaker." I don't think any further explanation is required. The third dealbreaker "if a girls claims to be runner up to Miss Washington even though she can't remember the year it happened, that's a dealbreaker." Yeah I googled it and no dice. The final dealbreaker of this brief date "if a girl claims to make 90 dollars an hour at a baby apparel store she doesn't own and has no discernible job title, thats a dealbreaker." A few other questionable qualities: she is also planning on camping out to see some Nicholas Sparks movie, her favorite band is Nickleback (for you old timers out there Nickleback is a Canadian band whose lead singer is a horse), and she claims to have owned 4 houses (she is 24). The amazing thing is all these things happened over dinner. It was an epic evening to say the least. The whole thing has really shaken my resolve to "broaden" my horizons. I'm feeling pretty comfortable with the view I've got right here.

To top it all off, I found out yesterday that she told my friend that she has me wrapped around her finger. That's news to me. I'm starting to get nervous that one day I'm going to come home to find a severed head on my doorstep.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Take Your Comedy Routine Outside

Last night I stumbled on a pet peeve of mine that rivals shortening the name (which happened at church a few weeks back and my testimony was pretty shaken). I was at FHE last night for the first time in a month or so. I've been kind of busy but in reality I just didn't feel like attending. It was a gingerbread house making extravaganza so I figured I would put my architectural skills to use. I was sitting around the table with some friends just shooting the breeze when the elder's quorum president wandered by. You may remember said president from an earlier post. Anyway he sits down and interrupts our conversation. Out of the blue he makes a dramatic face of shock and wants my friends to introduce him to the visitor he has never met. He obviously was referring to me since it had been a while since I attended FHE. He proceeded to ramble on about how he had never seen me at FHE and how I must be sick or lost. I was about three seconds away from shoving a pretzel stick up his left nostril. Did he really think he was the king of comedy and that I would double over in a fit of laughter because of his well timed and equally hilarious observation of my attendance record? I was a tad irritated because after that he just stood up and walked off like he was Don Quixote or Don Juan (he thinks he is a smooth criminal when it comes to the ladies). I just sat there for a little bit almost in awe of the absurdity of what had taken place. I realize to most of you it seems petty and trivial but its just another thing to add to my already grossly overloaded list of things that annoy me.

By the way I made a lovely gingerbread outhouse complete with pretzel stick siding and a peach ring in the shape of a moon over the door.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Worst Decision Of My Life

So I woke up this morning to endless possiblities. A Saturday off with nothing pressing to do. I hadn't been to Costco in a long time since the closest one is an hour away. Being the bachelor that I am, I only had one scoop of laundry soap left and was down to the last roll of toilet paper. So I decided to venture out. I chose to go west because that Costco is close to a ski shop and I needed some ski wax. I told a friend of mine that I was going and she advised me heavily against it. I guess its been so long since I've been to Costco, I've forgotten about what a zoo sample day is. I could barely find a shopping cart let alone a parking space. I finally got inside and of course I got "that" cart. Stupid wheel had so much hair and nasty jammed in it, it would jam up and I'm left bulldozing a squeeker around the bagels. I almost got into fistacuffs with a "rural" gentleman over a block of delicious Tilamook pepper jack cheese. Plus this Costco did the soap in the opposite corner of the store so I have to shove my way through traffic with a loaded cart that won't roll on all four wheels just to get some Cascade and Tide. Then I decide to use the self checkout lines to save time. Everything is going great until go to pay and realize that they don't take VISA. What's that all about? They'll take American Express but not VISA. Really? Fortunately they accepted my debit card and after twenty minutes of trying to worm my way through a bunch of obese middle-aged men and their slices of pizza, I made my way to freedom. Exhausting. Plus everybody kept giving me the stink eye because I was passing them in the aisles like I was in the Indy 500. I guess some people just like to relish the atmosphere that only a bargain club warehouse can provide. The day was saved by a trip to Wendy's and a no. 6 combo with a Dr. Pepper.