The Face Of Freedom

About ten days ago I came home to a package on my doorstep. I hadn't ordered anything, so naturally I assumed the box contained anthrax especially when I saw the return address was from Idaho. I carefully opened the box and gasped at its contents. Nothing on the face of the earth could shock me more than this.

After I treated my ulcer and changed my pants, I decided this is actually a blessing. How else could I get this much "face time" with the leader of the free world. So I set about with a make over.

With a few days of "hair raising" discussion, ideas began to "sprout"

Finally we both agreed I was right and the "grass" really was "greener" on my side of the fence.



A special thanks goes out to my sister for the oddest, most spectacular birthday present I've ever received.

Technically my birthday isn't until Aug 3. Then I will wait for my AARP card to arrive in the mail.

Alumni Pride

I work with a guy who is a huge Washington Huskies fan. I gave him so much grief when BYU landed the top quarterback in the country over UW. He is always hassling me asking me what Rexburg was like because he knows it drives me crazy when people who went to BYU Idaho try to pass it off as if they went to the Real BYU. Now if you're the kind of person that is easily offended or takes it personally when somebody disses your school, especially BYU-I, you should stop reading now and go toast an English muffin.
Recently an anonymous cohort of mine and I were making a list of why people go to BYU-I. We came up with some real gems. I'm going to keep this person anonymous so if you are offended you can blame me but if you like it you can credit my co-author. Here is what we came up with:

BYU-I
Because Provo wouldn't let you in.
BYU-I
Because the community college doesn't have a Family/Human Development major
BYU-I
Because cosmetology school was full
BYU-I
Because Californian parents think it's a Mormon reform school
BYU-I
Because you need something to fill the time between Xango juice sales conventions
BYU-I
Because birds with big hair flock together
BYU-I
Because the Prophet says even the academically challenged need to get married
BYU-I
Because high school doesn't have a 13th grade


Here are a few that don't pertain to BYU-I:

Door-to-door summer sales
Because you couldn't return the engagement ring
The JSB auditorium
Because day care isn't free
Utah State
Because rebel Mormons aren't that rebellious
BYU Democrats
Because your dad wouldn't pay your tuition

And finally:

BYU
Because the mission president wouldn't let you extend any longer.
BYU
Because you think people are dying to hear about you being a Zone Leader
BYU
Because no other place has married housing called "The Rabbit Hutch"
BYU
Because 1984 will always be relevant
BYU
Because there is no downside to dating your home teacher
BYU
Because braided belts and socks with Birkenstocks will never go out of style

Remember I'm an equal opportunity offender

Domino Effect

People in general are sheep. That is why fashion magazines sell so well. The public will see something that another person has and immediately covet it. While Mormons aren't necessarily followers with Vogue or GQ, we have our own "golden idol" to yearn for. It is like Indiana Jones in the temple of doom when he switches a bag of sand for the gold. Mormons, especially young men, try to trick women into marriage with what is essentially a bag of sand. The pandemic sweeping many a singles ward this time of year is the dreaded "engagement". Once one person proposes, the dominos begin to fall and within a couple of weeks there are 5 or 6 more couples that have committed to walk that Green Mile. They are sheep I tell you. All they see is the lovey dovey hugging and kissing that is going on and will do anything to have that. In most cases the proposal comes mere weeks after meeting the girl. PEOPLE SLOW YOUR ROLL!
Engagements are just like Indiana Jones. Once you have the gold, a massive boulder falls out of the ceiling and nearly crushes you to death. Then after escaping the creepy ancient ruin, you have to out run the native tribes and their poisonous arrows only to leap onto a puddle jumper narrowly missing a fall from a cliff to your death. In the "engagement" scenario, the crushing boulder or angry natives can take various forms. From crazy in-laws, to sitting down figuring out which color pattern goes better: dusty rose and peach or fuscia and periwinkle blue. Whatever it may be, the odds of you "dying" are staggering. Once a person gets married, they are never the same and not in the good way that the bishop is always trying to sell. All single friends denounce you. It is nothing personal. It is actually required by law. The Founding Fathers wrote it into the Constitution saying "...all single people are required to severe their relationships with married couples within a fortnight of said union." Pretty harsh but old Ben Franklin knew that interaction between married and single people would only cause chaos because once the bliss has worn off, married people try to drag more single people into the quicksand that is matrimony so they won't have to suffer in silence.
So remember all you citizens of the Single Nation: not all that glitters is gold. As my mother always said, "just because your friends jump off a cliff that doesn't mean you should" Actually my mother always told me before I left the house, "Don't embarrass me!" I'm sorry Mom. I tried but something in my DNA compels me to act like a mouth breathing miscreant.

For those of you who struggle with sarcasm, this is a perfect example. It is purely satirical. I only wrote it because I have yet to convince a female to accepting my bag of gravel.