Domino Effect

People in general are sheep. That is why fashion magazines sell so well. The public will see something that another person has and immediately covet it. While Mormons aren't necessarily followers with Vogue or GQ, we have our own "golden idol" to yearn for. It is like Indiana Jones in the temple of doom when he switches a bag of sand for the gold. Mormons, especially young men, try to trick women into marriage with what is essentially a bag of sand. The pandemic sweeping many a singles ward this time of year is the dreaded "engagement". Once one person proposes, the dominos begin to fall and within a couple of weeks there are 5 or 6 more couples that have committed to walk that Green Mile. They are sheep I tell you. All they see is the lovey dovey hugging and kissing that is going on and will do anything to have that. In most cases the proposal comes mere weeks after meeting the girl. PEOPLE SLOW YOUR ROLL!
Engagements are just like Indiana Jones. Once you have the gold, a massive boulder falls out of the ceiling and nearly crushes you to death. Then after escaping the creepy ancient ruin, you have to out run the native tribes and their poisonous arrows only to leap onto a puddle jumper narrowly missing a fall from a cliff to your death. In the "engagement" scenario, the crushing boulder or angry natives can take various forms. From crazy in-laws, to sitting down figuring out which color pattern goes better: dusty rose and peach or fuscia and periwinkle blue. Whatever it may be, the odds of you "dying" are staggering. Once a person gets married, they are never the same and not in the good way that the bishop is always trying to sell. All single friends denounce you. It is nothing personal. It is actually required by law. The Founding Fathers wrote it into the Constitution saying "...all single people are required to severe their relationships with married couples within a fortnight of said union." Pretty harsh but old Ben Franklin knew that interaction between married and single people would only cause chaos because once the bliss has worn off, married people try to drag more single people into the quicksand that is matrimony so they won't have to suffer in silence.
So remember all you citizens of the Single Nation: not all that glitters is gold. As my mother always said, "just because your friends jump off a cliff that doesn't mean you should" Actually my mother always told me before I left the house, "Don't embarrass me!" I'm sorry Mom. I tried but something in my DNA compels me to act like a mouth breathing miscreant.

For those of you who struggle with sarcasm, this is a perfect example. It is purely satirical. I only wrote it because I have yet to convince a female to accepting my bag of gravel.