Life Changer

So for all of you who haven't heard which is probably everybody because I haven't told anybody, I'm starting something new. I've accepted an offer from Mckay Seeds in Moses Lake to become the new Director of Research. My first day is Jan 2. The company deals in small grains from barley and wheat to buckwheat and mustard. The best part of the job is way less travel. I only have to travel two weeks out of the year and that is to Japan so not that bad. To all those of you who have my old phone number, I'm done with that phone. I will get my new phone number out there as soon as I get it.

FYI

Did you know that an acre of corn transpires over 4000 gallons of water a day? Sounds a bit "corny" to me.

Unbelievable

I'm sitting here in the Phoenix airport for three hours and I had the best luck. I hear a comotion behind me and see two teenage girls fighting by the restroom. I have no idea what started it but I don't think they even know each other. The cops are here and everything. Some days it pays to travel.

Two Belly-Button Rolls

Thanksgiving at the Bowen house was an interesting experience to say the least. Mandi made a fabulous dinner with help from my mom. She made these awesome huge rolls so we could have big turkey sandwiches. You know how you have to press your finger to make the two halves of the roll stay together during baking, well these rolls required a two finger touch because of their enormity. Kam Bam made peach jell-0 because what is Thanksgiving without jell-o. Cooper made chaos. That kid wouldn't stop. Between all the cookies, spinach dip, and karate chopping he never slowed down. You can't really understand what he is saying but he would ramble on forever about who knows what. The Bam and I even make turkey hats for everybody. Thats just the way we "roll"

I've Discovered Where They're Hiding

I've been down here in Yuma for the last week and will be here until the end of January. I should make it back to Idaho for the holidays but it looks like the hotel is my new place of residence. Yuma this time of year is great and horrible at the same time. The weather is right around 85 degrees so that is nice but every last member of the AARP have driven their townhouse on wheels down here and are clogging the arteries of this fine city. The one good thing is they go out to eat at 4 in the afternoon and are in bed by 7. But they have to be the worst drivers in the world. In the last few days I've been run off the road twice by Old Man River changing lanes without consulting his brain. The elderly have done great work for this country but there should be regulations on how many people that receive social security checks can be stationed in a set geographic region at one time. So if you have ever wondered where your grandparents go in the winter time, now you know.

A Nation of Idiots?

This election has been out of control. It never ceases to amaze me who bias the media is. I'm not talking about CNN of Fox but entertainment outlets that do a ridiculous job of masking their true intentions. MTV is the worst. Their big deal is Rock the Vote. They try to come off as unbiased but all of their reporting reeks of liberal propaganda. They try to convince the 18-25 year old crowd how out of touch republicans are and how a vote for Obama means that they are somehow a better person even though they still live with their parents and spend all of their free time playing video games and hitting the pipe. I am so sick of it. So go out and vote for whomever you like but remember Jesus is voting for McCain.

That is Jesus Rodriguez. He is a friend of mine.

The Open Road

The good news just keeps coming. I'm currently in Yuma and the plan was for me to fly home tonight. Not so fast my friends. Now I've got to tow a planter up to Oregon and then continue on home. I love the feeling I get knowing I have 30 hours of open road ahead of me. Look out Nevada.

Don't forget I have no cell phone and not even a CB radio to yak with the truckers.

Not Down With It

As I sit here in LAX, I've discovered a horrifying trend that needs to be stopped. I was people watching and a family caught my attention. You may be familiar with this particular family. They were all wearing the same thing! Old Navy shirts, sweatpants and the real kicker, matching Crocs. It was terrible. I felt physically ill afterward. The only thing that could have been worse would have been matching fanny packs. Parents you must stop this before it reaches epidemic proportions.

Back To The Stone Age

So here I am sitting at the airport waiting for my flight trying to figure out if my latest dilemma is a good thing or a bad thing. I have a 6AM flight this morning so I had to leave my house around 2:30AM. I got all the way to the Spokane airport only to find I didn't bring my phone. Obviously there was no way I could turn around and go get it. This could be a huge problem since I don't have any idea how long I will be gone. Of course no phone will be peaceful but I'm really dreading getting back home to find a phone so full of messages, it will take until Yom Kippur to answer them all.

Some Nice Baked Goods

I think that some nice baked goods would really brighten my disposition on life. Thanks for the idea Ande. Please feel free to donate your spare pastries to my coffer.

Humility: A Virtue?

There has been a lot of interest about how the phone call turned out. The best way to explain is visually:

One word: Humbling

And that ladies is why we guys have a hard time asking you out.

I Will Never Get Off The Short Bus

There is no way any of you ladies out there will understand this posting. There is a special place in heaven for us men. Do you have any idea how hard it is to call up a girl and ask her out. Absolutely terrifying. Now try calling a girl you have never met before and asking her out. There was one kind soul out there that is trying to find me a date and she rounded up a number for me. I literally sat in front of my phone for over an hour strategizing my conversation. That did absolutely nothing to benefit me. Once on the phone, I sure I came across as a slow-bus lifetime rider. So to all of you wives out there, hug your husbands and thank them for making fools out of themselves in order to meet you. To all you single ladies, if you are wondering why guys don't call the reason is we are mortified. If you do get a call cherish it because that dude was sweating it the whole time.

I used to think that the females had the hard job of delivering a baby, but in comparison to making a blind phone call, having a kid is about the same.

I'm just kidding. There is no comparison. The phone call is way worse.

Accident Prone

I had to steal this picture from my niece and nephews' site. I think that Kam Bam and Coop-a-loop did a terrific job of first aid. It probably would have taken me at least two boxes of band aids to get it right and I'm an eagle scout. It made me reminisce about some unfortunate injuries that for the most part I wrought upon myself. There was the broken wrist from a sabbath day skateboard accident in college. I followed that up a year later by breaking the same wrist when a combine attacked me (in my defense my dad taught me how to be an idiot). I was bit in the Snake River by a Cadillac that required stitches on my leg. For some reason I have had a number of head injuries. I know most of you can now connect the dots at to why I am the way am. One night after a dinner, in which undoubtedly there was some dare to see how many grapes, marshmallows, or whatever else was left on the table I could fit in my mouth, I challenged my dad to a wrestling match. I'm not sure who started it but my dad made sure he ended it. I was totally dominating him when he pulled the old rope-a-dope and body slammed me into the fire place. I split my head open but the best part was when my sister saw the blood, she puked. That was a nice addition. That required stitches (in my dad's defense he felt terrible and even volunteered to take me to the hospital). There was another time my brother and I were on the trampoline doing kung fu. We had a spinning clothesline nearby so being the genius that we were (and still are) we decided to move the tramp underneath it and take turns spinning it and seeing if we could time our jumps to clear the arms. Turns out my timing is pretty bad. Some more stitches in the head. I fear the day I go bald because me head is going to look like a Union Pacific train depot. I've decided that my unhealthy addiction to stitches stems from one incident in my childhood. I don't personally remember this near fatal experience but it was obviously traumatic. At the age of two or three I went with my mom and brother to Dr. Page's office. My brother was getting tested because my parents thought he might be "slow" (just kidding Brandon, we already knew you were slow). We were all in the exam room and my mom was talking to the doctor about my brother. I decided I was some sort of ninja bunny and did a flippity flop off the table. Apparently my mouth was open because I was so gnarly and smoked my bottom lip on a drawer. The good news was we didn't have to wait to see the doctor. A few stitches in the lip later and I was good as new, or so I thought. To this day I have that scare on my lower lip the reminds of I was the original extreme athlete.

I also have stories that involve my nose and church ball, my nose and a crow bar, and my ear and a blood-thirsty Q-tip if you are so inclined.

Life Is A Pair Of Irrigation Boots

Lately I've been doing a lot of pondering on my so called life. I suppose that is a result of standing on back of a planter in 100 degree plus temps. There has been one thing that keeps floating to the top of my settling pond of a brain. Is there ever a point in life when a person feels truly in control? I have a good job, a decent income, and am a chiseled specimen of what man should be but I can't seem to shake a feeling similar to falling in a ditch and filling your irrigation boots up with water then when you walk your feet make a squishy noise and you can't get your boots off because when you pull there is too much suction (metaphorically speaking). I'm not real sure where I was going with that. My train of thought jumped the track and is headed for Bombay.

Toss Up?

It sure started out shaky. I don't know if Palin was nervous or what but the first few minutes of the debate were a bit sketchy. It appeared that she got stronger and more comfortable as the night went along which was a relief. Both Biden and Palin had some zingers and both got knocked around. I don't know if there is any way to declare a clear-cut winner. I think she did a good job of getting away from being just a sideshow to a real factor in this election. This debate wasn't as heated as last week's presidential debate but it was still entertaining.


Do you really think Joe Biden really spends a lot of time in Home Depot?

Air Traffic Control

Today's rant is about airports. Why do things have to be so difficult. The last two trips down to Yuma I went from Pasco to Seattle to LAX to Yuma. For those of you unfamiliar with LAX have to leave security and take a bus to another terminal and do the whole thing over again if you are changing airlines. It is the worst. Going through security once is bad enough. Now try and getting randomly assigned the complete search. Last time I got that in Pasco and LAX the same day. Brutal. So this trip home I decided to fly to Phoenix to avoid having to leave security and take a bus. I've flown to Phoenix probably a dozen times and never had to change terminals. Well this morning was another story. So I had to wad through a hord of people, catch a bus, and go through security again. The only bright spot was the fact that I didn't get the rubber glove treatment in Yuma or Phoenix. The bad news is I'm only going home for five or six days before I have to do the whole thing over again. Sometimes I really love this job.

Some Like It Hot

It was 112 degrees in Yuma today. There isn't anything else to say on that.

Popular Demand or Charity Case?

I've noticed on my map that I'm quite the global demand. It can't be my atrocious alliteration or literary ineptness so the only thing I can figure is my moneymaker is the culprit. Like I've told so many, its a blessing and a curse. So to all you Bowen Bandwagoneers, where are the ladies? I publish a quarterly plea for a charming companion but it falls on deaf ears. Even those of you who promised to look for a mate tell me you found a few candidates but you can't tell me about them because they are a secret. Secret or non-existent? I'm on to you. You are ashamed you know me. I'll just go stand in the corner with my nose against the wall. Don't worry, I'm getting pretty good at it.

The Bad Kind of Chewbacca

I realized I haven't posted a good tirade in a while. Staying down in the Armpit of America for 2 weeks will give a person a lot of ammunition. My topic d'jour is white trash chewing gum. That's right I'm talking about the long-cut leaf Levi Garrett made famous. There are a number of guys on my crew that put a pinch of chaw in on any occasion the day provides. Don't get me wrong. I love my redneck brethren. I think there should be day set aside to celebrate the miracle of the mullet, but people lay off the chewba. Every time I get into my pickup I come eye to eye with a diet Pepsi bottle full of that sadistic spittle. Is there anything worse in this world. You might as well carry around a thermos of raw sewage. I was driving one day with a coworker and he had a pinch in. He was also swapping spit time with knocking back a diet Pepsi. You can see where this is going. He picked up his toxic sludge bottle and was ready to take a swig but I had to stop him. As funny as it might have been, he was driving my vehicle and I wasn't really looking forward to cleaning tongue rubbish out of my vents.
So this is plea to all my Copenhagen Cowboys: STOP PACKING THE LIPPER AND TAKE AN ASTRONOMY COURSE ON THE BIG DIPPER!(the constelation not the world record for biggest tobacco plug ever insterted between the lip and gum)

In Like A Lion

For all of you out there thinking it is a vacation down here in Yuma I present some photographic proof of my life. In the bottom picture you can see the very top of a power pole that is only about 100 feet away. Remember it is still about 95 degrees outside when this thing came rolling through.

Motherly Love

I love my family especially my mother. She was worried that people would think she was a bad parent because of my post about power pole trauma. Not the case. The only reason she made me bandage myself was because she was concerned about my education and didn't want me to fall behind my other school chums. Makes perfect sense. I'm her little brown bear.

Veggie Tails?

I loath vegetables. Ask anybody who knows me. I order my sandwiches at Subway with only meat and cheese. It has been a thorn in my mother's side forever. Growing up she always made be eat one spoonful of green beans before I could leave the table. I remember a few occasions when I thought she would cave but two hours later I was still sitting there with cold green beans on my plate that I had to choke down. Even today when I go home my mom makes me eat my veggies. She always asks me what I'm going to do when my wife cooks vegetables for dinner? I usually tell her I will run outside and hide. Plus I'm pretty sure that if a person eats too many vegetables they will sprout a tail. The reason I bring this up is that I had a terribly traumatic experience yesterday. I had to drive 30 hours from from Moses Lake to Yuma. Yesterday my coworkers and I stopped in Alturas CA for lunch. I ordered a delicious burrito from El Burro Mexican restaurant. When my entree arrived, I was horrified to find a toxic jungle of greenery on top of my tasty tortilla. I have grown used to this and spent about two hours meticulously cleaning my meal. By the time I was finished, I was thoroughly exhausted. I cut into my mountain of Mexican goodness only to find the inside was more contaminated than a Chernobyl Chili Cook off. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I had to abandon my designs for a pleasant meal. Luckily the chips and salsa were fabulous. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sit through years of professional therapy in order just to be in the same room with wicked leafage. Keep me in your prayers.

Hostile Takeover?

Did you catch Sarah Palin at the GOP convention? Talk about coming out swinging. She was throwing haymakers like she was Ali at the Rumble in the Jungle. I was thoroghly impressed with not only her delivery but her confidence. I honestly didn't know much about her before last week, but after last night I was excited to see the direction the Grand Old Party is headed. My favorite line from the whole speech was "...this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or even a reform, not even in the State Senate." Classic. I hope she keeps rural America a priority. This whole election process has been filled with low blows and mud slinging and it is only going to get worse. Hopefully after all is said and done, we will have a president that isn't a puppet for a bunch of tree-hugging liberal hippies.

Back to School

School started here today and it brought back a flood of memories. Oh how I hated going back but I loved those new protractors and compasses. Which leads me to the question. Did anybody actually use those death spikes(compass)? Anyway I digress. I vividly remember one morning waiting for the bus. We were the first kids to get picked up so the bus came around 7am. One brisk morning my brother and I were waiting for the bus and decided to huck crab apples at one another. The fighting became intense and I wanted to chuck another handful before retreating. I emptied my arsenal and began to run away. I took a few steps backward gaining momentum with the intent on turning around and running for my life. Just as I turned around, I was greeted be a family friend. A telephone pole. I smacked that thing so hard with my face it left slivers in my nose. I screamed as if the Titanic was going down but nobody came to my aid. My brother just stood there either in shock or amusement(what a butt). I clenched my face and made a mad dash inside. My mother was so kind. First she yelled at me for such tomfoolery. Then she grabbed the rustiest tweezer known to men and became a battlefield surgeon. In the back of my mind I thought that I was going to be able to stay home from school. Oh how young and naive was I. The roar of the bus could be heard down the road and my mom made it very clear that if I missed the bus I was walking to school(super idea having a 10 year old thumb a ride to school 12 miles away). She shoved me out the door with a bandaid in my hand to told me to bandage myself on the bus. Such love. I don't recall much else from that day but I'll bet my school chums gave me quite the grief over my shenanigans.

PS
I don't blame my mom for pawning my off on the Cassia County School District bus no. 79-3. If I was her I would have done the same thing. I was quite the ruffian.

Sweat It Out

I'm laying down the gauntlet. It's time for all of us to drop some weight. I came to this realization the other day when my boss was in town. Every time he is here, we go out to eat at least once a day most of the time twice a day. This is so nasty. So this is my challenge to everybody: let lose those pesky five pounds (or more if you so desire) in the next 30 days. It shouldn't be that tough. Quit sneaking treats and eat something healthy instead. Do some sort of exercise, maybe taming wild mustangs or just walking for a few minutes every day. I'll bet we will all feel better. Do something everyday even if you don't feel like it. I will post periodically to report on what I'm doing. My first goal is to switch out my Hostest cupcakes for breakfast with a banana.

This Is Classic

HOOPER, Utah — A farmer has erected a fence in his backyard made of three old cars sticking up in the air to send a message to new neighbors that he can do whatever he wants on his farm.

"This is just a fun way for me to say, 'Hey boys, I'm still here,'" said Rhett Davis. "This is my redneck Stonehenge."

Davis came up with the idea after neighbors who recently moved into homes next to his hayfield complained about his farm.

"The people who bought the homes say, 'Well, we love looking into your yard and seeing the horses and the cattle, but we don't like the flies, and we don't like the mosquitoes,' and when I cut my field to bale it, they say, 'We don't like the dust in the air,'" Davis said.

Davis said he offered to pay half the cost of a fence between his property and the others and to build it. He said his neighbors declined the offer, saying it would block their view.

Neighbors declined to comment to the Standard-Examiner of Ogden.

Davis said after the neighbors declined his offer, he used a backhoe to dig three large holes on the edge of his property, then took three cars that had competed in demolition derbies and planted them nose-first into the ground.

He said the cars were planted out of humor rather than spite. He said it's important that new residents moving into the area realize that Hooper remains a farming community.

The area has grown recently with new residents who desire a country atmosphere but don't want the smells and noises of farm life, Davis said.

"I respect that they're here and spent a lot on their homes, but on the other hand, give me a little bit, too. I've been here since I was 7 years old," he said.

Davis said he doesn't intend to keep the cars up permanently.

"I've talked to my neighbors and worked things out. I really just thought this would be a funny thing to do," he said. "These can come out just as easy as they went in."

What a Homeskillet

It looks like when Goofy goes skiing in those old cartoons. You have to give him props for trying even though he is a total tool.

Dark Knight

So I finally got to see the new Batman last night. The movie was good. I didn't think it was great but it was entertaining. However, Heath Ledger as the Joker was incredible. All the hype around his performance was justified. He totally made the movie a must see. If he doesn't win an oscar, I'll sell my sister to the Canadian Royal Mounted Police.

Genius Read

I've recently been reading a book on the life of Albert Einstein. It is an amazing look on how his environment shaped his general theory of relativity, light quanta discovery, and quantam mechanics. It's a nice light read of about 700 pages. It only took me 45 minutes to read the whole thing.

Ghetto Mini Golf

There are several "Ghetto" activities in Moses Lake but hands down my favorite is mini golf. I am the champion. I rocked the clown's nose on the 19th hole and won a free game. Winning a coupon that saves me four dollars on the next round of ghetto heaven never felt so good. Plus I beat the guy that was with me and he brought his own putter. I really let him have it.
This isn't the course but it is pretty close

The Many Faces Of Terror

The Grizzly Adams AKA The Chester

The Lumberjack AKA The High School Dropout

The Dump Truck Driver AKA The 10 sec Kung Fu Grip

The Fu Man Chu AKA The Dirty Magician

The General AKA The Brent

Take your pick but be ready to deal with the consequences.

Lets Talk About Sex(ual Harrasment)

I am now a certified professional when it comes to all forms of harassment. I had to drive 12 hours round trip yesterday to attend a mandatory sexual harassment training. Super awesome leaving my house at 2am to head to Oregon. No longer will I tolerate all those long stares directed at my rockin hot body. One problem is I can no longer use my sweet moves as a way to motivate Juan and Nacho. So if you have any questions feel free to ask. Just don't call me Sugar Buns. Who am I kidding? You can call me Sugar Buns, Hot Lips, or Sweet Cocoa Bear anytime you want.

Birthday Boys

I need to give some overdue dap to the Bowen boys. This past week was Coop's and Brent's bdays. Cooper is entering those terrible two's but I think he got a few months head start. Brent is entering those forgetful years which I know for a fact he got a decade head start. My favorite story is Cooper trying to sneak treats and Grandma and Grandpa's house. Brent told him no and he would bop him with the newspaper. So Coop quietly walks over to Grandpa and pinches his leg. Watch out for that kid.

Be careful wishing Coop a happy bday. He will steal your toy and then punch you in the face just to let you know who is boss.

I'm a Pretty Big Deal

I visited the valley known as magic for the 4th. My siblings chided me for my lack of blogging. I logged on this morning and found out that it had been a month since my last post. I apologize to all my loyal readers. I'm sure you have had a real lack of direction in your life over the last month. Let me give you a little update on me. I'm rocking the beard again. I need to renew my passport for a trip to Europe in the near future so I wanted to get my passport pics taken looking like a fabulous transient. My mother thinks I look ridiculous but she still loves me. She calls me her little brown bear. I think she calls me that because I love honey. I do have a camera now so I will post an update on my facial debacle. My sis has come up to the 509 to visit and take in the richness on my bachelorhood. I'm sure she will update you on how amazing I am.

Beanie Fever

So I decided since I didn't offend enough people with my last post, I would try again. What is the deal with idiots rocking the beanie in the middle of the summer. It is massively hot but these shallow-end of the gene pool dwellers are sporting wool caps as if they were in the Yukon Territory. I'm not sure if they are trying to make a statement or are just extremely ugly. Maybe its a statement on their ugliness. People are such dopes. So if you think you are smooth stylin that bonnet think again. You look like a bigger tool than this dude.

Ways to spot an Idiot

What is the deal with men and women both sporting these horrible mistakes for fashion. Seriously white plastic sunglasses. As soon as I see somebody with these I immediately know that we will never be friends. This is currently the easiest way be spot an idiot. So beware all of you out there. If you see a ragamuffin walking toward you on the street with these, cross over to the other side so you don't risk getting any of their idiocracy on you.

Home School

To all of you who are,were or will be home schooled: Do Not Read This! I'm not real sure why I thought of this but lately I've been pondering how insane home schooling is. Is there a more out of touch segment of society than home schooled/private schooled kids. The majority have about as much social awareness as a maple tree. They are socially retarded. I'm not saying that public school education is better. In fact it is probably worse but I think the more important part of education is interaction between peers. We have all been around home schooled people and felt massively awkward around those social dwarfs. So let this be a warning to all you parents out there. Don't let your kids grow up to be clueless.

No Inspiration

Many of you have noticed that I haven't blogged for quite some time. I haven't been that busy so I can't use that as an excuse. I haven't been dating so that went out the window. The main reason is nothing has gotten under my skin lately. I usually blog about how bitter I am or how people are bugging me. I have missed Institute that last few weeks so that usually provides great dirt to dish on. Last night I finally experienced something that got me going. It is that guy feels the need to officiated a sporting contest from the sidelines. I went to see my friends play in a rec league volleyball game and their opponent had a dad on the sideline that was out of control. He kept yelling at the ref that the other team was breaking rules that nobody knew existed. He had that whole condescending attitude. Not only did get after the ref, he was all over his team telling them he wanted to hear more chatter and the science of the serve and spike. What a tool. He is that universal guy that we all have experienced usually in little league or church ball. You know those games that are life or death.

Spring has Sprung

Well it appears that warm weather is finally here. That can mean only one thing: fashion disasters. There are several things in life that shouldn't be mixed: peanut butter and gasoline, pine cones and nacho cheese, and tube tops and girth. I'm not sure why people feel the need to show off excessive amounts of skin and stretch marks to the world but we have all seen this catastrophe. Spandex and cellulite are two things that the world doesn't ever need to see. The thing that amazes me the most is these people think they are hot stuff. If you are having trouble picturing this stereotype, I have one word for you WALMART. It is as if there is some instinctive gene in said person that makes them all gather together at Wally World to purchase Milwaukee's Best and Easy Cheese. So I issue this public warning to all my dear friends and enemies alike (because I don't wish this sight on anyone), don't venture out if you are feeling queasy because one sight of this cottage cheese in saran wrap will make you toss your cookies.

Singles Ward Testimonies

All of you out there who have ever attended a single's ward know exactly what I'm talking about. Yesterday was fast Sunday. That meant testimony meeting. I've heard people bear their testimonies on everything from Chronicales of Narnia to felonies. Yesterday was a first. A guy got up and began talking about his mission. He served a sign language mission in Colorado. He began to explain a disscussion about the law of chastity. Oh yeah this was about to get good. He said they usually had to act things out because there weren't signs. He told the congregation that he and his companion acted out having sex to show the investigators what not to do. Incredible. He went into a very detailed account including explaining how his companion used a sheet as a dress and he crawled out from underneath it demonstrate having a baby. Remember this was all done over the pulpit. Awesome. I still can't understand how there aren't signs for these things but what do I know. So all of you out there that think your meetings are crazy, try and top that one.

No Pants, No Problem

Today is indeed No Pants Day. Ironically is corresponds with the day of my sister's birth. A coincidence? Perhaps. (On a side note, a tip of the cap and a wave of jubilation goes out to Mindi on this anniversary of her escape from the womb). I've done some research and discovered that this joyous celebration dates back to 1928 in Hollywood. Some big wig movie types started No Trouser's Day for no other reason except they could. This year's big celebration will be held in Boise. Some activists are using it as a chance to protest the lack of a mass transit system in Boise. This has led to some purists (including myself) to condemn the use of this glorious holiday for political propaganda and positioning. Leave it to the Treasure Valley. Anyway, I digress. I imagine most of you are wondering will I or won't I bust a no pants move. The answer is quite complex. For the last 10 years, I've slowly been getting tattooed up and down my legs. With what you might ask? A pair of brown corduroys. So now I can rock No Pants Day everyday and nobody will be the wiser. So if you see me coming down the street sporting brown cords, think twice about that big bear hug you want to bestow upon me.

P.S.
If you want to see my lower body work of art, it's going to cost you

That guy

Everybody knows that guy. I recently experienced an entire group of that guy. We were supposed to get together at the stake center to play some flag football. Well, it turns out that some genius decided it would be a good idea to play tackle. I'm rockin' flip flops and these guys are putting on cleats. That was only the start. You would have thought it was the Super Bowl. People were going nuts. I got blocked so hard I couldn't see straight and I was on the other side of the field from the ball. I found out later that three or four of the guys are on a semi-pro football team up here. Are you kidding me? The quarterback on my team thought it would be funny to throw me the ball and watch me run for my life. What a Butt. I suppose it is comforting to know that wherever you go, there will always be that guy.

AKA Jeff "The Hawk" Hawker

NFL Draft

As most of you know, I'm a huge sports fan. This weekend was the NFL Draft. I didn't watch all 16 hours of it of I caught my fair share. To update all you Cougar Alum. Bryan Kehl was picked no. 24 of the 4th round by the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants. No other Cougar was drafted but Kelly Poppinga signed a free agent contract with the Dolphins. He will join John Beck and John Denney in Miami. You might know that his brother Brady, plays for the Packers. Another good Mormon boy to keep your eye on is Spencer Larson. He played for the University of Arizona. He was drafted with the 17 pick of the 6th round by Denver. Lets not forget Kevin Curtis. Even though he is an Aggie. He is a solid receiver for the Eagles coached by a "good" mormon Andy Reid ("good" other than his druggie kids). Here is a complete list of Cougs in the pros:
John Beck Quarterback Miami Dolphins
Daniel Coats Tight End Cincinnati Bengals
Ryan Denney Defensive End Buffalo Bills
John Denney Center Miami Dolphins
Aaron Francisco Safety Arizona Cardinals
Chris Hoke Defensive Tackle Pittsburgh Steelers
Scott Jackson Guard Houston Texans
Cameron Jensen Linebacker Seattle Seahawks
Bryan Kehl Linebacker New York Giants
Brett Keisel Defensive End Pittsburgh Steelers
Reno Mahe Running Back Philadelphia Eagles
Shaun Nua Defensive End Buffalo Bills
Brady Poppinga Linebacker Green Bay Packers
Naufahu Tahi Fullback Minnesota Vikings
John Tait Offensive Tackle Chicago Bears
Todd Watkins Wide Receiver Oakland Raiders
Scott Young Guard Philadelphia Eagles
Many of you aren't sports fans so you don't care about any of this and think I'm an idiot, but you read the whole post so who is the idiot now.

Hug a Tree

So yesterday was Earth Day. Give me a break. The only thing on tv last night were shows on global warming. I'm not saying global warming is a fraud but it snowed here yesterday. Now there is a report from a scientist in Australlia that says we are getting closer to an Ice Age than global warming. There are far too many whack jobs out there with too much money. Instead of spending all the money that is used for lawsuits to protect fish nobody eats, save trees nobody wants, and guard animals nobody has seen, we should get these oil prices under control so old John Q Farmer doesn't have to mortgage his house in order to spread fertilizer on the south 40. So to all you birkenstock wearing, granola eating, carabeener on the coffee cup sporting, frisbee with your dog in the park playing, nut cases: get a job and leave us alone!

Another idea: you could join the rainbow family and start a drum circle in your back yard

Editorial on Life as an Outcast

I spend a lot of time thinking. Well its a mix between thinking and quoting movies. (I'll come at you like a spider monkey.) Anyway, lately I've been thinking about the single life. I was recently informed that a younger cousin got engaged. That leaves three cousins on my dad's side that aren't married out of like 25. Two are in the same family (Terrence and Philip). There is so much pressure to get married in our culture. Just ask Mandi about the spring insert into the Daily Universe. My sister and I talk about this all the time. Every time we run into somebody from home, all they want to know is marital status. I could have a third arm growing out of my neck that has become a world famous hand model but that is secondary to marriage prospects. People approach my parents and want to know if their kids ride the short bus because they aren't married. Mandi and I don't ride the short bus. We drive it! I think most people automatically assume that because you are older than 23 and not married you are bitter and lonely. Granted I'm bitter but that has nothing to do with my bachelorhood. Brother Brigham is credited with saying single people are a drain on society. If that is true, I suppose I would be more like a vacuum. My parents are fabulous. They don't pressure me at all. They want me to get married but realize that it will happen sooner or later (Julie would love it much sooner than later). So I publish this plea to all you out there who loose sleep over us singles: We sincerely appreciate your concern but don't worry. We aren't mutants (for the most part), we aren't gay (except for Josh Groban), and we don't cry ourselves to sleep at night (except after a good Micheal Bolton ballad).

Plus Jesus still thinks we are super cool.

Dream On

I think something has broken in my head. I have been having the strangest dreams the last few nights. For example, last night I dreamed that BYU was playing Minico in soccer on the field at Pella. The thing was it was Sunday and church was going on. I was outside because I was skipping Sunday School and was walking through the field by Genius Gene Gerescht's trees. Then a bunch of people I graduated high school with came out of church and started to play against Minico. What was that all about. I know some of you out there try to analyse dreams so go ahead and try to figure this one out.

TP

Since Brittany and Landon have teamed up and taken on split personalities, I've decided that Mandi and I will be Terrance and Phillip. At first I was thinking Mr Garrison and Mr Hat, but I think those crafty Canadians have more clout. If you have to ask, it is probably better that you didn't.

Up in Smoke

You think you had a bad day. Try burning up $100,000 worth of company property. I didn't personally but my crew was responsible for this fire. They burned some trash in a barrel that apparently smoldered and wind blew some embers into stacks of wood boxes. Nothing like getting a call at 7pm saying your building was on fire. I flew out to find about 20 firetrucks in mad chaos. No damage was done to buildings or equipment just custom made wood boxes. I'm just getting over the feel of vomiting.

O Ye of little faith

So many skeptics out there. I don't own a camera. I'm not one of those people. So that is the reason I haven't posted a picture of my facial hair. If you need somebody to testify of my manhood, ask Tom. He has been a witness to the glory of my post pubescent transformation.

Bitter, Bitter, Bitter

I am extremely bitter at all of you. I know there are at least 207,000 different readers that subscribe to my blog and not one of you has hooked me up with a member of the opposite sex. I pleaded with you a month ago to help me land somebody famous. Wow. you are all so selfish. Are you trying to make me look like an idiot. Trust me, I don't need your help to do that. I drive a Dodge Stratus. I'm in charge of 15 people. People are scared of me.

I know there are a number of you that haven't been able to sleep without updates on my facial hair revolution. Well worry no longer. I decided Saturday night that since we finished up planting it was a perfect time to do some manscaping. I torched the beard and am now sporting a glorious set of handlebars. It literally brought tears to my eyes to part with the beard but it was like my beard was a caterpillar, my face was a cocoon, and my stache is a beautiful butterfly. I can't wait to go to a truck stop and show it off. If I had to describe it I would say it is a cross between a rainbow and the mane of a unicorn. Breathtaking.